Honor marriage, and guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband.
Hebrews 13:4
You’ve heard this before: Your brain is your most important sexual organ.
The statement underscores that the human sex drive operates out of the “cortex,” that thin outer layer of the brain where all learning takes place.
Humans use their highly developed brains to learn how, when, where, and whether they will give expression to their sexual urges — this ability for control is what separates us from the animals.
So does this mean that having sex as a husband and wife does not involve “animal instincts”? Not on your life.
We recently spent an entire day, breakfast through dinner, with renowned sex therapists Clifford and Joyce Penner.
The Penners, authors of The Gift of Sex, have been counseling people on sexual issues for three decades and have heard every conceivable story you can imagine on the topic.
They have devoted their professional lives to helping people enjoy sexuality to the fullest. They understand the mechanics of what makes sex good and why it sometimes goes painfully wrong.
With the updated release of our book, Saving Your Marriage Before It Start just coming out, we asked the Penners what newlyweds should know about getting their sex life off to a great start and they made two suggestions:
First, you’ve got to realize that your spouse may not be interested in sex whenever you are. Sexual desire is not “contagious.” If you are in the mood you can’t expect that, by default, your spouse will be too.
Think of your sex drive as an appetite. “Just as each of you will differ in your appetite for food,” says Joyce Penner, “you will likely experience differences in your sexual appetites.”
The point is that you will have to learn to coordinate your sexual desires without “overfeeding” one of you.
The second suggestion was to keep in mind is that sex between a husband and wife need not be spontaneous. The movies make it seem like sex is always an exhilarating moment of passion that happens naturally, without planning. Any idea how much scripting and setup goes into making it seem that way?
In reality, married couples don’t necessarily wait for some mysterious erotic energy to grab them. As the Penners say, “Some of the most satisfying sexual encounters between you and your spouse will often be the ones you plan and talk about.”
In fact, the more you talk about your sex life, the more likely it is to be fulfilling.
Reflect and Respond
On a scale of 1 to 10, how comfortable are you talking about sex with your spouse? What could make it easier or better for you?
Go ahead, tell us in the comments.
Related Resource
Crazy Good Sex
Your sexual drive can incinerate your wedding vows or or ignite a flame of passion within your marriage that brings mind-blowing pleasure to both of you!
In this book, we take a deeper look at six myths that can undermine your confidence, damage your marriage, and leave you struggling with temptation. You will walk away with a whole new dimension of sexual pleasure. After all, great married sex is not only possible, it’s the way God meant it to be.
I’m very comfortable talking about sex unfortunately my man is not and I think it’s due to his lack of confidence even though I try my best to build him up with my words and actions. I think talking about it can be a turn on in itself. I also think one has to enjoy the entire process and understand what they enjoy and why to be able to have a conversation about it.
10! We talk about sex often and have fun getting our minds in the mood too! Usually our talk time is while we are traveling and then when we finally get to bed we are too tired! 🙂 oh well, keeps the pump primed for when we do get together!
This made me remember a funny thing that happened with us. We were talking about our sex life while traveling last summer, as we were looking forward to some much needed time away. We got so involved in our conversation and how much we enjoy each other, when we realized we had missed a major turn and ended up in a whole other state! That has made for some great inside jokes!
Definite Ten! We have been married for almost 50 years and sex is better now than when we were newlyweds. A BIG reason for that is that we talked about our expectations (in all areas of life including sex) from the time we became engaged throughout our marriage and we gave God first place. That meant we never considered divorce an option. When we hit a rough place in the road, we sought help from people like you two! in fact, we have used your book “Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts” as a huge part of pre-marital counseling classes we have offered at our church for many years, counseling over 200 couples so far. We continue that ministry to help young couples avoid some of hose rough places. Revisiting the basics helps us to keep things fresh in our own marriage and open communication if KEY!
Congratulations on what is now likely 50 years!
Probably a 5. I came out of an abusive marriage where intimacy did not exist and sexual appetite was twisted by evil and addiction. So it is a little difficult for me to bring it up. My now-and-forever husband has never spoken much about sex, unless I bring it up.
This devotional has encouraged me to talk about it more often. Closeness and intimacy are blessings to me in our marriage and discussing physical intimacy will only make it better! I am excited to see where we are after 50 years and I’m high fiving Tisha for putting God first and enjoying her husband!
Definitely a 10! Trish could have been writing my comment. The only difference, we will have 52 years in January. We went through a rather dry spell for a time while the kids were growing up. That may have been due to the fact that we had five pregnancies in four years. I didn’t want him evening looking at me after a while.
As we aged and the thought of another baby became less of a treat, things leveled off. Now we actually plan for intimacy and make a point of putting the other first. Our relationship has always been a three-strand rope, consisting of: God, him and then me. Works so much better that way!