There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact.
I Corinthians 6:16
The loss of passionate romance is a common complaint in marriage. It seems that once the confetti and rice are swept away and the last of the wedding cake is put in the freezer, so is the couple’s passion.
But marriage in no way requires passion to be put on ice. Love grows less exciting with time for the same reasons that the second run on a fast toboggan slide is less exciting than the first. But as any long-term, happily married couple can tell you, the excitement may decrease, but the real pleasure can still increase.
So what do couples who enjoy passion do that’s different than others? How do they rekindle the flickering flame of passion? Here are two proven practices:
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- Practice meaningful touch. Sex therapists have long known what successfully married couples soon learn. Affection, in the form of touching, is not only a preliminary to making love, it is a language that speaks more eloquently than words. Sheldon Van Auken, writing about his marriage to Davy in the book A Severe Mercy, illustrates the profoundness of touch: “Davy had crept near to me still crouching and I put my arm about her, and she snuggled close. Neither of us spoke, not so much as a whispered word. We were together, we were close, we were overwhelmed by a great beauty. I know that it seemed to us both that we were completely one: we had no need to speak.” Meaningful touch is the language of passion.
- Compliment your partner daily. The most important element of romantic passion for both husbands and wives is to feel special. Not only do they want to feel sexually attractive to their mates, but they want to know they are appreciated. Compliments feel good — both to give and to receive. So, to paraphrase a James Taylor song, “Shower the person you love with compliments.”
When it comes to passion in marriage, the bottom line is that the intensity of early passion is only the beginning.
We often illustrate it this way: A jet airliner from Seattle to New York uses 80 percent of its fuel in takeoff. A tremendous amount of energy is required to get the plane launched so it can reach a comfortable cruising altitude. The takeoff, however, is only the beginning.
The cruise is the important part of the journey, and it requires a different kind of energy, one with more sustaining and even power.
By cultivating a deep-rooted passion, you can avoid years of needless marital turbulence and enjoy soaring at altitudes never imagined.
Reflect and Respond
How are the two of you doing on these two tips? Which do you do better and why?
Go ahead, tell us in the comments.
Related Resource
Crazy Good Sex
Your sexual drive can incinerate your wedding vows or or ignite a flame of passion within your marriage that brings mind-blowing pleasure to both of you!
In this book, we take a deeper look at six myths that can undermine your confidence, damage your marriage, and leave you struggling with temptation. You will walk away with a whole new dimension of sexual pleasure. After all, great married sex is not only possible, it’s the way God meant it to be.
Thanks for your tips. We had hit a down cycle and are looking for ways to improve our intimacy and we are looking forward to reading Crazy Good Sex
Thank you for this devotional! I have worried that all of our obligations (work, stepson, caring for hubby’s disabled dad and his farm) make us too tired for much physical passion. But we have a lot of meaningful touch (both of our primary love language) and I make sure to compliment or appreciate my husband every day. So I am reassured, by your words, that it’s not just about the skin-to-skin.
You folks are the best!! About 4 years ago we bought your 1 year devotional “Love Talk” (wish you would come out with more of them). We have reread it for the last 4 years and have given away countless copies to friends. We are both in our second marriage-13th year now-and in our 60s & 70s. Daily devotions together (as often as possible), notes of thanks, small deeds of helpfulness, and attention to detail have built a wonderful lovelife and love of life for us. Physical intimacy has slowed down just slightly, but the pleasure and enjoyment increase daily. We have a very unusual story, but too lengthy to print here. God has blessed us richly and we thank you for your influence and testimony. Cheers, W
All good advice, however…
I think takeoff for a Boeing will burn 7000 lbs/hour while cruising is about 3,000 lbs/hour of fuel. Considering the take off will take less than 30 minutes, and the flight is probably a few hours, I would think that it would burn 3,500 lbs of fuel for a takeoff, another 9,000 lbs for a three hour cruise time, and probably another 1,000 or 2,000 on the way down. A high estimate would put the percent a 25%, but I think it is lower than this. But, I could be wrong, do you have the link/citation for how you came up with this for your illustration?
Nic, Nic, Nic, you’re missing the point. An object at rest tends to stay at rest, and an object in motion, tends to stay in motion. It’s not about the amount of energy consumed getting us into motion, it’s about getting off dead center in the first place, AND doing whatever is necessary to keep it that way. So often we let our relationships coast and then wonder why our partners want out!
We were that couple,at one time in our marriage, It took near death of the relationship to realize that it needed some serious mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to bring it back to life. Then we discovered the “5 Love languages” book by Gary Chapman. My primary love language is Physical Touch with a backup of Quality Time. My Husband’s are: Acts of service and Affirmations. We have been doing ALL of them including, Gifts, so long, that they have become equally as important to each of us.
It has been nothing short of amazing as to the new life it has infused into our, soon to be fifty-two year, marriage. To say nothing of our appreciation of life, our health and our passion for each other.
We facilitate a Relationship class in a medium security men’s prison and also in an all boy’s Parochial High School and are frequently asked if we are still sexually active. My answer to them is, “Is the Pope Catholic?” Just because we’re in our seventies, doesn’t mean we’re at death’s door!
We realize now that part of our mission on the planet is to be “role-models” for other couples, and wannabe couples.
Nic, I just had to laugh when I read your comment. Are you an engineer? I’m from a family of engineers and I would wager (if I bet) that you are!
My husband was raised in a home where his father did not offer his mom compliments. My husband always has a lack of words. Any ideas on how to encourage this in him?
We are going to purchase this book! Have to rekindle and keep the flame burning! Thank you for your insight.
My wife and I just went over the two proven practices of complementing each other and physical touch. I had to admit that I have failed at both of these whereas she has exceled in compliments. She said that I used to do both of these but I haven’t in the past two or three years. I am going to change with the help of God and and my wife.
Sorry I just saw this page and need to comment on this.
Les & Leslie, Just want to clarify…Let’s please not take a verse out of context (1 Corinthians 6:16) from “the message” translation of the Bible that sounds good in order to help promote a book and somehow make this Biblical advice.
I would recommend instead promoting the Bible for the truth on marriage and intimacy and not just advice on it from what we think works to make a marriage great or have better intimacy.
For example, I don’t see Ephesians 5 being referenced as good advice here? But last time I checked the Lord has a lot to say there for us as a model for Marraige and intimacy.
Please note to the reader : The actual context of the passage in the second half of chapter 6 if you read it is actually speaking how the body is the Lord’s and not being linked with a prostitute but instead being joined in one spirit with the Lord. The NASB passage verses 15-17 reads:
15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! 16 Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” 17 But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit.
Let’s please point people to the word of God for truth in marriage and intimacy and not just try to sell books with a catchy title. Everything we need to know about this topic and our spouses and all aspects of the marriage relationship is found in the Bible and revealed to us through the spirit as we read His word.
So, what you’re saying, Steve, is that there’s more to sex than skin on skin. Just clarifying… since that’s Paul’s point.