We must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever.
I Corinthians 6:16-17
When we talk to engaged couples about increasing the odds of lifelong love we often get a question about cohabitation. That’s why we added a “cohabitation” section to the updated edition of Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts.
Not so long ago, it was called “shacking up” and it was rare, about 1 in 141 couples.
Today, it’s closer to two thirds of couples. To put it another way, in 1960, about 450,000 unmarried couples lived together. Now the number is more than 7.8 million.
Why? Pragmatic reasons, such as sharing the bills, makes cohabiting appealing for some. And many believe it’s one of the best ways to prepare for marriage.
So does cohabiting lead to good marriages or the polar opposite—increasing the likelihood of divorce?
Here’s what we know: Couples who cohabit before marriage (and especially before an engagement) tend to be less satisfied with their marriages—and more likely to divorce—than couples who do not. These negative outcomes are called the cohabitation effect.
Researchers characterize this effect as “sliding, not deciding.” Moving from dating to sleeping over to sleeping over a lot to cohabitation can be a gradual slope, one not marked by rings or ceremonies or sometimes even a conversation. Couples bypass talking about why they want to live together and what it will mean.
But the detrimental side of the cohabitation effect is about more than just “sliding.”
Women tend to see cohabiting as a step toward marriage, while some men see it as a way to stall marriage. It is easy to see how such conflicted, often unconscious, motives could be unhealthy.
One thing men and women do agree on, however, is that their standards for a live-in partner are lower than they are for a spouse. Cohabiters want to feel committed to their partners, yet they are often confused about whether they have consciously chosen their mates.
Relationships founded on convenience or ambiguity can interfere with the process of claiming the people we love. A life built on top of “maybe you’ll do” simply does not feel as dedicated as a life built on top of the “we do” of marriage.
Perhaps that’s why, long before all the research studies were conducted, Paul wrote, “Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact … we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever.”
Reflect and Respond
What are your thoughts about cohabitation?
Go ahead, tell us in the comments.
Related Resource
With more than a million copies sold, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts has become the gold standard for helping today’s engaged and newlywed couples enjoy lifelong love. This expanded and updated edition has been honed by years of feedback, professional experience and the latest research, making it more helpful and informative than ever.
We have had a few couple that “say” they are not having sex but are only living together. Sometimes they state financial reasons and other times – well, no reason at all. Have you addressed this separately? Have you dealt with it in your ministry?
is the reference incorrect?
We must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever.
I Corinthians 6:16-17
Having a hard time getting that out of 1 Corinthians 6;16-17
Same here… Is the reference correct? If it is, what bible translation is being used?
The Message….
BAD IDEA DON’T DO IT!!! We did & if I had it to do over I wouldn’t have had him move in. DON’T RATIONALIZE LIVING TOGETHER!!! I did & I regret it. Like being unequally yolked which we were that was my other mistake & I’m paying dearly for it. The fundamental things that are extremely important to a lifelong relationship aren’t there. A truly Godly Christian man or woman would never ask you to do such a thing because it goes against God’s law. Like I said don’t rationalize living together my husband & I met & in a moment of weakness I fell.
I believe cohabitation is the enemy’s way of keeping you from doing what God requires. How will a man love the woman as Christ love the church when he is not willing to even enter into a covenant relationship with her or how will a woman submit unto a man who isn’t her husband. Cohabitation keeps you from all the blessings and benefits of being in a covenant relationship. you end up building on a unstable foundation. I teach my daughters that they can have what God say they can have only if they do it the way God say do it in His Word. God instituted family, Adam and Eve were husband and wife, not girlfriend and boyfriend shacking up. Cohabitation keeps you from committing and gives you an easy way out when you don’t have your way. It’s simply the enemy’s way of making you disobey God and making you feel good while doing it doing it.
Cohabitating may feel good at first but it’s like trying on a pair of shoes you aren’t real sure you want to buy. Stop lying to yourselves, there is more you need to learn about each other before taking that step. And if you are so adamant about cohabitating, you really should be thinking of marriage then instead and asking questions that may not be answered in a manner you are afraid to hear but need to. Sometimes when you sit down and talk about what a relationship means and is your eyes are opened. Follow your gut too. Too many times this cohabitation is out of some fear of losing something or thinking you can’t go on without it — unhealthy terms and you really know you should not be doing it. There is no satisfaction in getting something easy either–remember that! A strong relationship takes hard work. Without confidence in yourself, time is needed to get over the fear you may have of thinking you can’t lose something. Don’t do it, you feel so used by it.
I totally agree that cohabitation is NOT the thing to do! I am kind of old fashion and I believe in marriage! All or nothing! I want to live, in marriage, with my husband! I want to feel the commitment we are both taking in our marriage! I have been married twice and sadly divorced from both. Even tho my marriages ended, I still believe in marriage and being in love! Hopefully I will marry, for the last time, and this time, I feel I have learned and I will make our marriage a Wonderful place to be! Thank you!
Hey, Leslie & Les,
I’ve enjoyed many of your materials. Our church has used
Your marriage mentoring materials.
I thought this article was so good, I was going to
forward it to our 20-something daughter
who is a strong believer. However, I, too, am bothered
by your use of The Message’s “tweaking” of Paul’s words.
I think you are missing the truth of Paul’s words here. I suggest
You check the NIV or the ESV. Thanks!
,
I think and feel that cohabitation, shacking up, friends with benefits, whatever you call it is something that is done for selfish reasons. Example, financial burdens; a roommate is fine but why the same bed? Whether it’s a guy & a girl or same sex situation what I witness for the most part is monetary gain and once that’s not the issue the relationship is over. I’ve seen it done over and over, whether customers, neighbors, friends or family. The sexual relationship between two people ought to have more value than what’s in it for me or my bank account.
Now biblically speaking… The man and woman should abstain from sex till married and not even live under the same roof, regardless. I mean really, do you really love this future spouse that you would dishonor them, their parents, their family by having sex before the covenant promise? And what about your love (Deuteronomy 6:4-5) for the LORD GOD?
Excellent description of why not to cohabitate before marriage. Since the 1960 that you cite, the increasing tendency has been for gratification NOW as opposed to thoughtful waiting until a lifelong commitment has been made. Thanks for upholding this traditional value.
I am so glad to see God’s people taking the time to address the subject of sex. “Don’t do it” is not enough to win the subject back and get this generation to listen. We need to relay the message that we are so much more than flesh and sex is a powerful tool created by God to bind our hearts to our lover. When we unite ourselves in the action of sex without considering its power to effect our hearts we jeopardize our judgement and the ability to receive the very best God intends for us. I with every young woman would receive this truth before she gives herself into a relationship that is less than she is worth. I wish our young men would see themselves as a gift worthy of only their bride.
If you would like to read my post, http://www.200fingersandtoes.com/stop-telling-my-kids-sex-is-a-sin/
I would love your input. Thank you for sharing your message.
Very good article. The question I have is, how do we respond to those who are living together, in love, but without accepting the circumstances? Very difficult as a friend, aunt, etc.
Being a muslim, I’m not in favor of cohabitation. We, muslims are supposed to have a marriage which means commitment. Even though majority of the muslims pay no heed to marriage. I personally believe that marriage is a purely a decent relationship for a man and woman to live together. While choosing cohabitation over marriage, I think it’s more like a problem for the society. Cohabitation means if the housemates have a fight or breakup, they’re free to move on. And then they might be cohabiting with someone else. So every human being has some desires which can’t be controlled at times. To be in a pure relationship like marriage give the partners to fulfill their desires. I know most of the people might have a question about Divorce in their minds. So I’d say I’m not in favor of Divorce. Divorce is something that should be considered when there’s absolutely no choice. Today, majority of the couples who break up or get divorced, have no solid reasons. The only fact about divorce is that couples lack patience, and are unwilling to compromise.
People, in general, have a great misconception about love and marriage. They think marriage is a fantasy but in reality, marriage is a life-time commitment with trust and sincerity. You can’t live a content life without making compromises.
Today, we all lack patience so much that we are ready to kill anyone instead of controlling our anger.
We don’t care wat we say to others when in anger.
We are friends to all but not our own life partner.
We are ready to break up rather than make up.
What difference does it make to break up with one person and make up with other? And maybe later, we choose to have another break up and make up with someone else? So why not tolerating that first person rather than involving into various relationships. All men are crazy assholes for women and all women are complicated for women. What’s the point of life when everything seems to be perfect?
So please, ignore the idea of cohabitation and choose a legal way to live together. Learn the art of patience, trusting your partner and fulfilling your commitment. Make up, don’t break up!
I cohabited with my ex husband and my now husband. Part of the reasoning is we were not Christians but with my first husband we did it because of sex. It was easier that way and then well I got pregnant. My now husband and I also cohabited but for different reason. we knew we wanted to get married. after being saved and doing alot of research on this subject in school I would change the way I did things. and It would totally change the way I thought about it. I am happy to say after my husband and I both getting saved our marriage now with God will be strong enough to withstand any cohabitation effect.