A man leaves father and mother and is firmly bonded to his wife,
becoming one flesh — no longer two bodies but one.
Because God created this organic union of the two sexes,
no one should desecrate his art by cutting them apart.
Matthew 19:5-6
Until a few weeks ago, we’d never heard the phrase ‘conscious uncoupling’. But in our line of work we’ve been hearing it more and more.
Oscar-winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow, as you know, used it to describe the end of her ten-year marriage to rock star Chris Martin of Coldplay.
The phrase was like catnip for commentators. Suddenly, the Interwebs were abuzz with remarks – mostly snarky – about her New Age-y approach to divorce. It created worldwide headlines and flat out ridicule.
The term ‘conscious uncoupling’ is actually attributed to a therapist, Katherine Thomas, who offers a break-up therapy program. She says it’s a kinder term for divorce. She claims it minimizes drama and protects the children.
According to Thomas, it’s natural for a committed relationship to run its course. She says that what draws us to another person will eventually repel us. That’s why her course is necessary. Oh, and it involves a lot of breathing exercises.
Anyhoo, the philosophy behind ‘conscious uncoupling’ seems to be making more sense to some after the initial badmouthing it received when Paltrow first made the announcement.
Some are already heralding it as the term of 2014. It may be a phrase that’s here to stay.
So what’s wrong with it?
Only with time do we really learn who the other person is and come to love the person for him- or herself
and not just for the feelings and experiences they give us.
–Timothy Keller
Well, it undermines marriage. That’s all. It normalizes and rationalizes relationship failure, causing couples to believe that ‘uncoupling’ is about as easy and common as unhooking a clasp on a bracelet.
But divorce is messy. Painful. Brutal. Devastating. You can’t simply undo a marriage. The end of a marriage is like a death. It involves grief – for adults and children.
Let’s be honest. The carnage of broken relationships is widespread. No matter how much we might try to sugarcoat it or re-phrase it, divorce hurts. In fact, it leaves permanent scars. No wonder God hates divorce (Malachi 2:14-16).
And make no mistake, marriage is messy, too. It lays our heart bare, vulnerable to wounds. Even among the most loving of couples you’ll find loneliness, misunderstanding and even rejection. Marriage isn’t for wimps. But like the high and low tide, tough times come and go, making way for happier ones.
So that’s our problem with ‘conscious uncoupling’. It falsely purposes to do away with the inevitable harm that comes in calling it quits on a life-long commitment.
That’s why we propose another phrase for couples who are tempted to buy into the pursuit of personal happiness at the cost of not keeping their promise: Conscious Coupling for Life.
Now, which celebrity couple can we get to toss that phrase into the cultural lexicon this year?
Reflect and Respond
What do you make of the phrase ‘conscious uncoupling’?
Go ahead, tell us in the comments.
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It’s often forgotten that the LAW OF MARRIAGE: “Man must not separate what God has joined together” has an equally powerful COROLLARY: “What God has not joined together does not stand a chance.”
The REASON is because the indivisible essence in the union between the first male and female was the mutually shared image of God, a.k.a., life-giving breath or Spirit (Gen. 2: 7-25), rather than “an organic union of the two sexes.”
Unfortunately for Christians, the outsourcing of the image of God from the revelation of the KNOWLEDGE OF JESUS CHRIST, by means of his Spirit-active, perfect and diacritical death, according to the terms and seal in the “new covenant” is considered as theological error!
Amen and amen, Ephrem.
It’s merely semantics and just a “cool” way of referring to an amiable divorce, for those who don’t believe in the sanctity of marriage. Since many people are buzz word junkies, I’m afraid this expression is here to say. And because the academic world will likely latch on to it as professors look for cool ways to engage their students, it will probably end up in the dictionary. I haven’t checked, but it’s probably already in Wikipedia. No matter what people choose to call it, divorce is divorce and making it sound cool will not make it right with God. And God is really cool!!
You got that right, Kelly!
Let alone divorces, even our marriages are not “right with God”. No one has the authority to declare a man and a woman: indivisibly “united as one” unless God himself has put them together in spite of our counting him out.
P.S. The so-called church is a big part of the problem rather than the solution.
My husband is cheating and has it in his mind that we can all co-exist (we come from a country where polygamy is culturally acceptable). Being in this situation with 3 young kids involved (2 are mine, one is his with the other lady), I wish there was a way to “conciously uncouple”.
And this is why it’s been hard for them to split and they have been still seen together having a good time. Their souls have been connected and it’s gonna take more than a silly simple “uncoupling”.
For sure, Mike.
It is really not “for sure”, Drs. Les and Leslie.
A couple will require nothing less than the genuine “image of God”, imitated from the vision of Jesus Christ: based on “the kind of death he suffered”, viz.: Spirit-active, perfect and diacritical commonly shared between them.
Needless to say, this is not the currency used today.
Divorce. Concious Uncoupling. Potayto. Potaato. Listen, Divorce Happens! And, no matter what you call it, it’s going to hurt. So what, if this therapist seems to have found words that seem to minimize the pain momentarily? Let them and their words be. Leave them alone. At the end of the day, after the breakup, the heart still aches and the children’s lives are still forever fractured. But, the reality is, whatever words you use to describe divorce, or whatever words you use to describe marriage, still marital breakups will occur. Even the loving Heavenly Father’s first marriage ended in divorce (Isaiah 50:1). The reality is, as long as sin is in the world, divorce will be in the world. And, in the presence of sin, there are no words you can use to describe marriage to make a sinful spouse to be faithful. Why did Moses institute divorce in the first place (Deut 24:1-3)? Why? Because, he understood the fact that there are perpetrators of sin, and there are victims of sin. And, he wanted to provide an out for a spouse (the victim) whose mate was so hard-hearted (the perpetrator) as to refuse to love their mate. This is what Jesus meant when he explained why Moses instituted divorce (Matt 19:7,8). Why should an unloved spouse be chained for life to a cold-hearted individual who refuses to love them? Would you doom them to a lifetime without love? Would you sentence them to a lifetime of abuse? Even, the Apostle Paul argued that in some cases divorce and remarriage was clean in God’s sight (1Cor 7:15). Very often, simple ‘unbelief’ disguises itself in all kinds of marital complaints and discord, so that even godly Christians can be victimized by a spouse who is a so-called Christian, or a lukewarm Christian. Spiritual idolatry can masquerade in many forms. That, I have seen up close and personal. So then, let us adopt the mindsets and spiritual view points of Moses and Paul, and recognize that we live in a fallen, sin-filled world in which some of us WILL SUFFER the tribulation of divorce, no matter what we do.
Yes, a man may divorce his wife today. In the beginning, however, neither Adam nor the LORD sent away Eve and the people, respectively. Inexplicable as it sounds, the former obeyed his term of union with his wife even as they both disobeyed God.
God did not say it was ok to leave a marriage if the other spouse is “unloving”. 1 Corinthians 7:15 does not justify divorce. It relieves the believing spouse of being an adulterer if their spouse chooses not to dwell with them. The verse before that says to stay with your unbelieving spouse so that they may be sanctified through you, as wells as the children be sanctified. You have to be careful not to twist the words of God around. 1 Peter 3 Tells wives to submit to their unbelieving husbands so that he may be won over to the Lord. I don’t see permission here to divorce if marriage is bad but to be obedient to the Lord and trust that he can work in your marriage to bring salvation to your spouse. God hates Divorce.
So sad! Satan is hard at work to destroy marriage in all kinds of ways!! God is in control. Praying for us who follow Christ that we can stand as the world presses in hard on the ways of God!
We’re with you, Sonja.
It desensitizes people to what they’re really doing. Like planned parent hood should really say planned
unparenthood.
Good thought, James.
So what do you do if your husband has a girlfriend he wont stop seeing and wants a seperation not a divorce? I feel I am agreeing to an adulterous marriage and enabling my husband to continue the immoral behavior while I am his wife. Thoughts?
Marcene I replied on the posts, sorry. It’s just a few below yours.
Just like everything else, creation vs evolution; straight vs homosexual/lesbian; etc..just what the Word says: In the last days, as in the days of Noah, Sodom & Gomorrah…. Everything is being watered down, in printed media, TV shows, radio broadcasts…
Among some in the Hollywood crowd, the traditional biblical view of marriage is a joke. Why they even get married is a question in my mind.
Among some in the church, the traditional biblical view of marriage has been watered down. They go through the ceremony, but the covenant is not for a lifetime. Divorce is always an option. I heard one “Christian man” say, “I love her, but I am not in love with her.” A convenient way to explain to the kids why he had a girlfriend and is not living at home anymore.
The heart of God is grieved when He sees the destruction left in the wake of divorce all around the world.
Tim, you hit the nail on the head with the word, “covenant.”
my wife is in a hospital with what was once thought to be primary progressive MS, but is now being thought to be t-cell lymphoma. tests are ongoing. we’ve been through some rough patches emotionally. i’m not the most considerate guy in the world, but it strikes me that whether or not i wanted to be here, i did make a promise.
in sickness and in health, my wife and i are one flesh in God’s eyes and at this point, His eyes are the only eyes that matter. that’s above and beyond the question of how I could walk away from a person who depends on me and who also bonded herself to me.
besides, this life is my training ground for heaven.. by God’s grace here I have planted my feet and by His grace here i will stand, relying on Him alone.
Bill: We’ll say a pray for your wife and for you today. Thanks for letting us know and for your keen insight.
God bless you Bill. Your post brought me to tears. Your wife is incredibly blessed to have you in her life. Prayers are going up for her health and healing.
Too many couples go into marriage thinking that “if it doesn’t work out, we’ll just get a divorce”. However, if we follow God’s design for marriage, divorce isn’t an option. God didn’t say things would be easy, in fact nothing in life is ever easy! But if it’s worth having, it’s going to take work and marriage takes a lot of work; however, the benefits are grand! “Conscious Uncoupling”….I call it taking the easy road! If you never learn how to resolve issues, communicate effectively, & love unconditionally you’ll never be able to have any type of intimate relationship. The same luggage will burden you in the next relationship. I say, put God first, develop a relationship with Christ and all other things will fall into their rightful place.
The easy road, indeed, Zina. Like we said in the post … marriage isn’t for wimps.
Marcene, no I don’t think you stand by and allow your husband to do as he wishes while you stand by. He’s committing adultery. Biblically you are free of a man that leaves his marriage.
This Hollywood mumble jumble is a great way to make them feel as if their ahead of the game all with their wording. Many couples can divorce and after the pain decide that co parenting their children is the right thing.
Kudos to those parents.
Who cares what Hollywood does!
Yes. Yes. YES. I grew up in a family with parents who “conciously uncoupled” and I can attest to the fact that 34 years later the relationships in my family of origin are still very messy and extremely painful. Marriage and divorce are both challenging roads, but I’d vote for marriage any day. So very thankful for my husband of 22 years—we are “consciously coupling for life!”
Awesome, Jennifer. Thanks SO much for sharing this!
I was consciously coupled for 25 years and believed in the sanctity of marriage with all of my heart. My husband changed from living a Christian life to unapologetically putting the kids and I in this lifestyle of wife and kids and girlfriend. He wants to stay married and be legally separated not divorced. It is a nightmare. I only want to do what God wants.
I enjoyed your take on this, and find the directions the comments have gone to be very interesting. Having come from a family that saw my mother go through four different marriages and divorces, and in which my wife and I are the only couple in our family no to go through a divorce/separation (after almost 23 years of marriage) I have to say my opinion on this is slightly different. The issue is not the term “conscious uncoupling”, it is the intent behind the term. The term is meant to provide validity to the “Get Out of Marriage Free Card” that our culture has been playing for decades now. What you have is a person (therapist Katherine Thomas) who has found a way to put a tag line on an existing cultural condition to make it easier for her to sell. But the ideas behind what she is selling have been around for much longer than Gwyneth Paltrow’s marriage. Marriage is hard work. It takes effort. It is full of give AND take AND compromise. It is not always an episode of “Leave it to Beaver” nor is it an episode of “Dallas”. However, in our culture of everyone wins, everyone gets a trophy, there are no losers, and I am ENTITLED to always be happy marriage is out of place. If I don’t like my car I just buy a new one regardless of debt. Don’t like my boss I bounce to a new job. Don’t “love” my wife maybe the next one will be better. We have lost the understanding that success in anything (work, school, sports, life, love) has to be worked for. Success and happiness are not an entitlement. The condition now has a name, but it has existed for decades. To me being upset with the words is like being upset with the word cancer after they finally figured out what to call it when it was killing people long before it ever had a name.
Point well said, Andy. It’s all about intention.
It is sad to see any marriage end in divorce. It tears at the fabric of society. This is just another way to justify a selfish decision and not take responsibility of consequences. But as sad as it is, unfortunately we as Christians have not represented marriage very well. If we look and act like the world, how can we change the world. My wife and I have survived adultery, an abortion, loss of a child, and much more, but it is by God’s amazing grace and redemption that our marriage is stronger than ever. It’s not perfect, but we are committed to the covenant of marriage. It is time Christian marriages reflect what God intended them to look like. We need the world to look at our marriages and say to themselves, that’s what I want.
Wow! Couldn’t agree more with you, Mark. Right on the money.
It makes no difference what you call it when children are involved. To a child it is the death of their family. Children grieve, some grieve deeply, when their parents separate, uncouple or consciously uncouple. Many children are affected for years and for the rest of their lives.
I know because I have worked with and ministered to these forgotten little souls. I say forgotten because many times they feel as though they have been forgotten by the very people who are supposed to be loving and protecting them – you know that uncoupling couple, their parents.
Call it what you want Hollywood people, the kids hurt. Hopefully with intervention and adults who will stand up and minister to the children they will break the “uncoupling” chain.
Linda Ranson Jacobs
DC4K (DivorceCare for Kids) Ambassador
You speak form the platform of experience, Linda. And research backs you up. Thanks so much for your valuable input.
Our society seems to be working hard at normalizing marriage-related issues that are dysfunctional, destructive and hurtful.
I appreciate your alternative phrase and would add a bit to it: Lifelong Conscious Coupling for Joy, Growth and Other Rewards!
As my friend says who stayed true to her husband as he worked out his issues with alcohol and came out victorious, “The best was on the other side!”
Love that, Sharon. Thanks!
I was encouraged when I saw an interview of a celebrity couple, Cindy Crawford & Rande Gerber, on E News the other day. They were saying they had been married for 16 years. Cindy said she wishes couples would just hold on and see what life could be like on the other side of almost two decades together because she says it’s so good and they’re so happy they’ve stuck it out through all the tough times. She said something to the effect of how great it is to hold onto all those years of history you have together.
Now, I know some of you reading may say she’s been once divorced and not an example to the rest, however, Les did begin all this discussion about celebrity marriage and I chimed in from another angle.
Thanks, Karla
We are so glad your chimed in, Karla. Appreciate your encouraging input!
I think that the term in itself is an oxymoron for this reason: We are not thinking clearly but reacting only on an emotional plane.
For sure, Bob.
The term makes me feel icky. Like it’s a sugar-coated, glammed up, and ambiguous way to make the pill go down a wee bit easier. But man, it breaks my heart. I’ve pretty much given up on hollywood marriages, most seem to hit this at some point. But they are people too. Their kids will suffer from this. The thought of putting my family through a divorce is devastating. I don’t know why they split- and I watched my bf go through divorce due to infidelities on his part. Was she justified in leaving? Yes, I believe in this case she was. Did it rip all of their lives and their kids lives apart? Yep. And she’s the first to admit it. So call it a different name but it is still the splintering of family. And that is a terrible and sad thing.
Yup!
Thank you for your point of view.
Katherine Woodward seems to assume that relationships will come to an end when we aren’t in the ideal relationship — we want more love in our relationships.
I think one of the first problems is that we don’t really know how to show our partners more love and even if our partners are showing us love we may not recognize it.
Second our emotional conditioning from childhood, affectionately known as our emotional baggage, is often what is fighting in our relationships. Before we decide if we are going to divorce our partner, I think we should divorce our emotional baggage. This is what I call a Divine Divorce.
When we divorce the emotional baggage and learn how to show to more love in our relationship, I believe we could save a huge amount of relationships that are going sideways.
Finally, I think the big problem is that most therapy, counseling and coaching don’t have a way to drop off our emotional baggage quickly and easily. In the book Divine Divorce, I describe a technique that is easy to learn and practice that deals with the emotional up set in our relationships.
I think we need to learn everything we can from our relationships and then if really won’t work then we can have a conscious uncoupling.
Hugs,
Jacque
http://www.yourdivinedivorce.com
conscious uncoupling – the idea that you can pick up a turd from the clean end.
As a believer who stayed in a marriage because of a promise I made before God, I never thought I would end up in the middle of a divorce. But, when the other person decides to break their promise – what alternatives are you left with? Infidelity and abuse are “deal-breakers” when it comes to a marriage. Whether a person wants to call it divorce or conscious uncoupling – the fact remains that people are still hurt. My 4 year old son and I will never be the same – and neither will our family. But people make choices, and in the end, if a better way can be refined when it comes to splitting up families – great! There is enough pain and casualties left in the wake of a divorce. If couples can find a way to amicably split – then call it what you want, but the healing process can begin. I don’t know what Gwenyth and Chris are going through, and I don’t know what truly ended their marriage. But it is not up to me to judge. I hope they can work on be co-parents and use whatever method needed to see them through this life-changing event.
Makes me think that they were probably unconscious when they coupled. Could also explain why it didn’t last.
Avoid conscious uncoupling by devoting to conscious coupling
for a lifetime. (Posted that to Facebook).
I enjoyed your thoughts. They were a good reminder of something worth working at. And I liked the paraphrase of Matthew 19:5-6
And I liked the “Conscious Coupling for Life’, idea.
Sieg: Thanks! Yes, we love The Message (Eugene Peterson). It almost always helps us hear it with new ears.
After reading it with the text chosen Matt 19:5-6 my thoughts took me to what God first commanded as He united husband and wife, it begins with a man shall leave father and mother to obey Gods word in order to cleave to his wife, to be one with his wife!…conscious uncoupling-the man that refuses to leave father and mother (physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually)…for this reason, many divorces have roots of not leaving, and cleaving to his wife to star the marriage with God uniting-conscious coupling!…what God put together let no man separate!…thank you for this article!
You bet! Thanks for your comment.
I agree with you, MAP. The covenant needs to begin with a separation from any other person (parents, unhealthy friends, etc) and then cleaving with the spouse and God- a cord of 3 strands being not easily broken.
Does anyone have any helpful advice for a newlywed (<1 year) living in the home of the parents-in-law? My husband has always lived there and helped out on the family farm, and I agreed to move in when we married. I had hopes of working together with his parents on meals, chores, and household life, but they are self-professed "too old and set in our ways," and I am feeling more and more like I will always be a resident in THEIR home.
When my father-in-law became disabled last Fall, we became responsible for all of the farm chores. I enjoy them, but often am criticized (mostly behind my back in a gossiping fashion) for not doing things the way my FIL would do them. My MIL is negative and often grumpy, and seems to have a kind of power over her grown children- being unpleasant, then asking them to do things for her, which they always do.
I see no easy way out of the situation, since my husband feels responsible for everyone and doesn't "want to make anyone upset."
Prayers welcome, as well as any helpful thoughts.
The term is simply delusional, as all new-age babble is. A pastor once told me that Hollywood stars divorce about every ten years, usually once their careers are on a downturn. They announce a divorce, then suddenly there’s greater interest in one or both people and then movie or t.v. offers start coming in. Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, Michael Douglas and Catherine-Zeta Jones, Meg Ryan and Dennis Quaid are just some of the names that come to mind. And then their children are left with brokenness, disappointment and heartbreak. The only conscious decision they’ve made is to destroy their family.
To answer your question about what I make of this phrase.
Well. I’ve decided to start calling tomatoes, apples. So I guess that makes them apples now. I like this. I can give anything a different name and magically it’s better and more pleasing. I’ll call death, vacation. “Hitting my thumb with a hammer” is now called “feeling a warm ocean breeze”. Oh yes, I see how this takes the pain out of life.
I guess if uncoupling is a conscience decision…then just decide not to uncouple. Make a conscious coupling decision. Oh wait; that would mean you don’t get your way and you have to lay down your life for someone else. Whew, good thing that’s not in the Bible anywhere.
Frankly, I don’t expect non-believers to understand the the sanctity of marriage. It’s a God thing. So, if you aren’t in right relationship with him, you won’t get it. Christians need to stop casting stones at non-Christians for divorce. We need to fix marriage in the churched. We need churches and pastors to say “No” when asked to hold a marriage of nonbelievers in the church. We need to help heal Christian marriages. If Christians had the best marriages on the planet; then everyone would want to know why. Then we could say; Only God. Christians need to realize our higher level of accountability to live our faith out loud in our marriages, our parenting, our finances, our leadership and everywhere else.