I came home from an evening lecture at the university to find Leslie standing at the front door. It was about 9:00 pm. “The kitchen sink is backed up,” she said. I walked straight to the sink. Sure enough.
“How long has it been this way?” I asked.
“All day.”
“What have you been doing?”
“Waiting for you to get home.”
I picked up the phone to call my friend, George, who is a plumber.
“It’s too late to call him,” Leslie protested. Then she suggested something that I couldn’t fathom: “Why don’t we see how it’s doing in the morning.”
If you haven’t caught on yet, let me say it straight. Leslie and I approach problems differently. I’m an aggressive problem-solver and Leslie is more reflective, willing to “give it time.” She’s more accommodating than assertive. I, on the other hand, am more decisive than docile.
So does Leslie’s passive approach and my aggressive approach to problem solving impact our relationship? Only on a daily basis! It has been a huge source of miscommunication– until we recognized how truly different our hard wiring is.
It’s true. Once I (Leslie) saw how much Les is all about maximizing his time and taking problems head on, I almost instantly found more grace and understanding for his aggressive style. And once he knew I understood this about him – that it’s part of his DNA – he began to relax and loosen up when it came to solving problems together.
Of course, it goes both ways. Once Les understood how I am designed to be more reflective when it comes to problem solving, he’s learned to give me more grace in those times I’m not as “urgent” as he is.
You get the idea. We are on differing ends of the problem-solving continuum. And there’s a good chance you two are as well. Even if you’re not, however, it doesn’t necessarily make problem solving together easier. Just ask two aggressive problem solvers who are married to each other.
Learning to solve problems together must be part of God’s plan to help us grow. “Consider it pure joy,” says James 1:2-4 (NIV), “whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
That’s a tall order. After all, can you really consider it “pure joy” when your sink is backed up? Maybe not. But learning to solve problems together in marriage surely makes us more mature as a couple. And that process begins by knowing how each of us tends to approach problems.
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I find that in my relationship my spouse avoids solving problems.. I ask myself if it’s due to me taking charge to solve these problems? I suspect it may be. His solutions seem out of touch and border on rediculous at times, therefore I have avoided the conflict by handling most issues. It’s quite tiresome to say the least, but I don’t want to go back to the days of arguing out the solution. Thank you for your weekly visits to my in box.
Kathy: That’s interesting. Sometime you may want to both take a little personality assessment to understand each other’s problem solving approach a little better. Just a thought. It sure helped the two of us when we did that. Our best.
We’ve been married 49 years. Problem solving for me is fun. Together we usually can figure something out. When we don’t agree on a resolution, we wait and revisit the problem later. Sometimes it can be a lengthy process – years. We also sense when a decision is important to the other and adjust our thinking accordingly.
As far as stopped up sinks, my mother-in-law boiled a large pan of water, at least 5 quarts, held it a couple of feet above the stopped up drain and poured it in as fast as she could but being careful that it did not splash out of the sink. My mother never put grease down the sink. Used paper napkins were wiped over plates or used to soak up grease from pans or skillets.
p.s. I would have waited for my husband to call the plumber, too.
Kaie: That’s funny. We’ll try your mother-in-law’s method next time our sink is backed up. 🙂
I’ve only been married since May, but see that I am more of an aggressive problem solver (wannabe, at least) and my husband is not. He needs to process things for awhile. A good, long while. And he does not have the confidence to attempt fixing things. So I go to the internet, figure it out, and fix it.
Where I need to grow is in waiting for him to ponder. And making sure not to make him feel disrespected when I roll up my sleeves and slide under the sink to start taking pipes apart.
Thanks for your devotionals!
Jenn: What a great insight on your husband’s approach – especially as a newlywed. That attitude will serve you well in building a rock-solid marriage together. Wishing you the very best!
Thanks for your encouraging words!
I have studied my husband and learned about how his mind works because I CAN.
My first marriage was to a mentally ill, emotionally and verbally abusive man, although I did not realize it for years.
I “hung in there” and tried to make it work for 18 years before God released me, having taught me to rely fully on Him and that I cannot fix anyone but me.
So it is an even bigger blessing to be with a mentally healthy partner who is willing to work and grow with me!
I’m the aggressive, results-oriented problem solver in the family. Hubby tends to wait to see if it solves itself or ignores it. We have not yet found a way to work this out. He sometimes says he will take care of it or ‘get around’ to it, but after a long time, I call someone to take care of it or force the issue. I don’t like having to be the one to always deal with the issues and would like him to actually follow through when he takes responsibility to get something done. Having said that, we are working on our relationship and appreciate the devotionals, using them to fine-tune things. Thanks, Drs. Parrot for you openness and good advice.
Pat: You are certainly welcome. So glad you find these devotionals helpful. I (Les) can certainly identify with your problem-solving approach. 🙂
Les and Leslie,
My wife and I have spent the better part of our 20+ years of being married trying to learn more about each other’s differences, and a great deal of our learning about each other is thanks to the two of you. As the two of you differ in the area of problem solving and decision making so do we, among significant differences in other areas of our personalities as well. Over the years we have learned the my impulsive nature when it comes to solving problems has it’s moments, but so does her more patient approach. We try to leverage situations were each of our approaches are more appropriate. Whether it has to do with a home issue or an issue with one of our kids or something that comes up between us, we have to stop and consider whose approach to the issue will work better and then I know for me it takes a concentrated effort not to roll over her when the patient approach is the best. I think these differences are exactly what God puts in us to make the point that we are to become one with our spouse, and that the sum of putting the two of us together is greater than the two individual components… Thank you as always for such a great reminder of this!
Andy
Andy: We love hearing this (always nice to be reminded we’re not alone, too!). We really appreciate you taking the time to share this with us. All our best to you two.
I test very high “thinker”, fact gatherer. My wife about equal “doer,” “thinker”, “relater”. If the solution to a problem isn’t obvious to me, it’s because I haven’t researched it enough. For my wife it would be because we haven’t d-o-n-e anything yet. Conflicting with that she also wants to gather data and be sure no one is offended in the process. The result of my approach is that it takes longer and with a narrow focus that misses the collateral effects. Her solution is more complicated and inter woven.
Since we’ve been married 42 years there is time to see the results of that approach to life. Our newborn daughter came home to her bedroom and when she got married she packed her things out of that same room. We still own our first car together, a 1970 Camaro. My wife has sewing patterns from the 60’s. She doesn’t discard old things. Now that I’m 66, I appreciate that more all the time.
Jim: Wow! All I can say is I’d love a rid in your 1970 Camaro! 🙂