Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults—
unless, of course, you want the same treatment.
Matthew 7:5
After nearly three decades of marriage, I (Les) still find it unbelievable that Leslie doesn’t live life with a little more organization. Whether it’s managing money or a calendar, or simply knowing what we need to buy at the market, Leslie is a free spirit.
It can drive me nuts – but it’s also one of the things I love most about Leslie. She’s the disorganized ying to my uptight yang.
It took us the better part of our first decade to appreciate what we each perceived as “faults” in the other person. And we’re still working on it. But here’s what we’ve learned:
That’s what researchers mean by managing a positive view of your marriage while acknowledging what drives you nuts. And guess what? This is essential for true intimacy.
Look up intimacy in a dictionary and you’ll see words like close, warm, familiar, affectionate, and caring. But researchers say that intimacy emerges when you see less “me” and “you” in the relationship and more “we” and “us.” Becoming a team, having deep intimacy, is the antibody to going nuts.
“My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.”
–Garry Shandling
At a meeting for marriage and family therapists some time ago, we heard a speaker define intimacy this way: “In-to-me-see.” And perhaps that defines it best. Intimacy is seeing into each other’s lives and celebrating what you find. It’s being aware of each other’s crazy quirks – and allowing them to endear you to them. And every time you do, you up the ante for more emotional intimacy.
Reflect and Respond
What quirky behavior does your spouse do that drives you nuts – but can also endear you to them?
Go ahead, tell us in the comments.
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Weird, but what you listed; my wife is a bit of a free spirit and forgetful. Just one example; I use to get frustrated every time I had stop the car in the driveway (it’s a quarter mile long) and back all the way back to the house to get whatever was forgotten by my wife. (Side note; never upset me when it’s something I forget, lol) Then, I’d just be upset the rest of the day. Now….I love the challenge of trying to back up the long curved and hilly driveway. I honestly appreciate the chance to “play” with the car. I could probably win any contest that required backing up a SUV.
Ha! I can identify, Eric.
My wife likes to be hyper-organized. Meeting friends for dinner a week from now? OK, where do we park? What is best way to get there? What time she we leave the house … seven days from now? I like to play it a lot looser than that. Don’t like to cram my pea brain with too many details. But you know what? My wife’s planning in these situations usually pays off in some unforseen way. I appreciate.that … her.
BTW, as a result of your recent post, we leave the house for work in the morning with the following exhortation: “Make some good headlines today.”
Peter: Thanks so much. We love hearing that you’re using the “headline” strategy work for you!
You said it twice in your post… I think you really meant…
“What quirky behavior … drives you nuts but can also endear them to you?” … Not endear “you to them.” I think you said it backwards. If I’m right, you might want to do a quick “posting edit.” 🙂
I enjoy your posts! They’re fun and personal and make me think! Thanks!
Pris: Great catch! As our editor would show us – it’s the object of the sentence (i.e., quirky behavior) that we’re finding endearing … which can work. But you’re right, we’re actually focused on having endearing feelings toward our spouse. Maybe we should have you edit our posts. 🙂 Thanks for reading. We’re so glad you like them.
We are reliving my husband’s “parents’ ” life…. everything that I spotted early on in our marriage (now almost 50 years) and worked diligently to “help us avoid or change” — is now coming to pass. The negative things that I saw from his dad – are like “ditto” now in our home. I can do nothing right. Seldom is there a compliment or positive comment. Just critical jabs. If I can’t hear what he said – it’s because “I can’t hear.” Not because he mumbled. He can be in pain and I do all I can to help him, but if I’m in pain, he complains because I “hurt all the time”,,,, and on and on…. Earlier in our marriage, we were more complimentary regarding our personalities, but now in the prime of our life–one rubs the other wrong and it lasts for days. Public life is a different story. He’s great with others. But back at home it’s back to the same habit. I’m sad, weary, and frustrated – and no one to talk to or vent to. He never sees my side, but immediately starts blaming me for “getting upset” or letting “so and so” do me “that way.” I use too much gas; spend too much money (my purchases are never as costly as his — parts for vehicles, etc — but our money woes are because of me. Throws my friends in my face and starts saying i act like “them.” I’m exhausted from it all and as you can see it is mounting like a volcano. We are opposites but it’s no longer a complimenting factor. Both are Christians – but even his dedication to desire worship, witnessing, etc is waning. JUST like I saw it happen in his parents latter years. Please know I do not think I am without fault and could improved, but my desire to do so is so weak – because it seems in vain. I am the otter-type and he is the beaver…. used to, we found that humorous, but no longer… What am I to do?
I highly recommend reading “How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About it” by Patricia Love and “Love and Respect” by Emerson Eggerich. They changed my life and marriage tremendously.
Kay: So sorry to hear this. We agree with Brit that Emerson’s book may be really helpful. You might also find some help in our book, I Love You More: How Everyday Problems Can Strengthen Your Marriage. We’ll say a prayer for you.
My husband is the one who is patient with my quirks! The first one that comes to mind is that when we are ready to leave the house, I suddenly think of all the things I need to check: coffee pot unplugged, computer off, fan off in bathroom, washer or dryer finished running, etc. I know it is OCD and I know I am just trying to feel safe, but it has to drive him nuts. He doesn’t complain. He just waits patiently for me in the car. What a prince!
Sharon: Kudos to your husband. And kudos to you for self-awareness. That’s half the cure much of the time.
We have been married over 30 yrs and I am still waiting for him to put the things up that he uses. He honestly has changed ALOT over the years though. When we first married his clothes stayed where he changed, bathroom floor or our bedroom, and I picked them up. But Dr. Leman taught me to stop that! lol So I have stopped nagging and now just ask did you use this last? Then he will put whatever it is up….
Patsy: That’s great! Kevin Leman, a good friend, has helped us countless times. Fantastic guy!