Hatred stirs up quarrels, but love makes up for all offenses.
Proverbs 10:12
It hadn’t been a good morning. Just before breakfast they had blown up at each other.
“You are so self-centered and insensitive,” she told him.
“Well, you overreact to everything,” he retorted.
She wanted to take some time to talk about the situation. He couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Before they hopped in separate cars to drive to work, each got in a few final jabs on the fly.
Truth be told, the argument had been building up over several weeks, maybe even months.
Linda thought about all the times Ron was preoccupied with his job, his friends, his hobbies, his favorite team — anything other than her. She began to wonder, “Does he really love me anymore? If he really loved me, would he treat me this way?”
Ron was irritable when he got to work that morning.
“What’s gotten into Linda?” he wondered. “She’s really turned into a nag — just like her mother!”
That morning both Ron and Linda felt terribly alone. They both wondered if they were going to make it as a couple. With their hurts running so deep, marriage loomed over them like an endurance contest.
I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love. –Mother Teresa
Have you ever felt that way?
If not, you have certainly felt the stinging pain, if only briefly, of something your spouse said or did.
With marriage comes pain. It’s part of the package.
Whenever we are hurt, we usually see ourselves as innocent victims. Someone has done us an injustice, and now we’re left to pick up the pieces. While it’s true we may be victims, we are not helpless victims.
We can choose how we’ll respond. We can either choose to be angry, self-righteous and resentful, or we can choose to rise above the negativity and forgive our spouse and pursue unity.
That’s what this proverb is all about: forgiveness. Unless we live in total denial, it’s the only way to cover over all wrongs. And it begins when we free ourselves from any vindictiveness and desire to hurt back. The Apostle Paul sums it up in a straight-forward way: “Never pay back evil for evil . . . do not seek revenge,” (Romans 12:17-19).
Reflect and Respond
What’s the best advice you’ve ever heard on cultivating forgiveness?
Go ahead, tell us in the comments.
Related Resource
With innovative, real-life ideas that work, The Good Fight will help you turn the most painful moments of your marriage into milestones that mark a deeper joy and a greater passion for each other.
The best advice I’ve heard on cultivating complete forgiveness between spouses is to put oneself in the other’s shoes.
Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person to be sick.
I believe the couplr tske time to get to know each other? What does she really like or what he really like?
Then they may become one flesh
Forgiveness is not a feeling, it’s an act of obedience. Obey God in choosing to forgive, read the Word, praise God and thank Him for how He’s changing your heart… And the feelings will eventually come!
The best advice I have received on forgiveness is to get the anger out by writing my hurts down. Then, pray over it. Then destroy the paper. Sometimes it takes more than one time. Some big hurts take layers of forgiveness. It can be a process. I try to keep my “forgiveness list” short, so I can forgive faster!
Hey, Les and Leslie, great reminder here. I shared with my bride that I hope to remember this excerpt next time I feel aggrieved.
“Whenever we are hurt, we usually see ourselves as innocent victims. Someone has done us an injustice, and now we’re left to pick up the pieces. While it’s true we may be victims, we are not helpless victims. We can choose how we’ll respond. We can either choose to be angry, self-righteous and resentful, or we can choose to rise above the negativity and forgive our spouse and pursue unity.”
Years ago I prayed that God would give me a great marriage. I said “God , I would give a million dollars for a great happy marriage.” Very gently the Lord spoke to me and said ” would you give up your right to be right?” And so began my journey of giving up my right to be right and walking in forgiveness. My marriage has been on a path of healing and restoration since that day.
The best thing I have heard in regards to forgiveness is the Bible verse you quoted from the Apostle Paul to not repay evil with evil.
Forgiveness is about you not the other person, forgiving even when you don’t get back. Love is ultimately a sacrifice. All in Gods timing not yours.
Thank you Les and Leslie!
The best advice on forgiveness:
“A happy marriage is between two good forgivers” Ann Graham Lott
[…] Forgiveness in marriage is the only way to move forward through a period of unhappiness. It’s likely that both of you have done (or not done) and said (or not said) hurtful things to one another leading up to and during this time. […]