Say nothing evil or hurtful; Snub evil and cultivate good; run after peace for all you’re worth. I Peter 3:9
Did you know that communication is the very lifeblood of your relationship? And yet it is the number one complaint most couples have about their relationship.
“We just don’t communicate,” is a common refrain in many counselors’ offices.
Or “We never have time just to talk” is one we hear a lot.
But the one that makes us cringe the most is “When we finally find the time to talk, we don’t have anything to say.”
Whether a relationship sinks or swims depends on how well a husband and wife send and receive messages, how well they use their conversations to understand and be understood.
“To listen closely and reply well is the highest perfection we are able to attain in the art of conversation.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Think about it. If you are feeling especially close to your partner, it is because you are communicating well. Your spirits are up. Your love life is full. You are in tune.
And when communication falls flat, when you feel stuck and you’re talking in circles, relational satisfaction drops. As we said in our book, Love Talk, communication, more than any other aspect of your relationship, can either buoy relational intimacy or be the deadweight of its demise.
That’s why this aspect of your relationship can always benefit from an infusion of quality time. Time and talk are always a winning combination.
A good conversation simply doesn’t happen while traveling at breakneck speed.
Experts agree that most couples need a good sixty minutes each day to converse. Lingering over the evening meal can often serve this purpose. For some couples it means taking advantage of a quiet house when the kids are in bed. Or maybe turning off the radio when you are driving together in the car, or turning off the TV when it is simply background noise – so you can talk.
Reflect and Respond
When and where do you two have your best conversations?
Go ahead, tell us in the comments.
Related Resource
The first steps to improving this single most important factor in any marriage or love relationship are to identify your fear factors and determine your personal communication styles, and then learn how the two of you can best interact. In this no-nonsense book, “psychobabble” is translated into easy-to-understand language that clearly teaches you what you need to do – and not do – for speaking each other’s language like you never have before.
An amusing memory came to mind when I saw the cover of “Love Talk.” Last week a neighbor knocked on the door of our small house. We hollered, “Come in!” The first thing she said was, “Look at those feet.” We were sitting on the couch with barefeet propped on the coffee table much as pictured on the book cover. Even though we’re empty-nesters approaching our 47th wedding anniversary, we sit close together in the living room, often on the floor, and frequently comment on our reading materials or daily events, asking questions and giving comments on society and scripture. We always include plenty of praise for each other too.
And I forgot to add, we don’t “do” TV.
The only person you can control is yourself! I know from personal experience how lonely it is to be married to someone who doesn’t talk we don’t live together we exist together
Sadly, this is my experience in the last few years as well. I want that to change, but it feels overwhelmingly impossible.
My husband and I have our best conversations while in the car when our kids have the head sets on watching a movie. There are no distractions. We also have good conversations the first 15-30 minutes after we crawl into bed at night.
Can I add to my comment that we usually have longer conversations at night in bed when I am rubbing his head 🙂
My wife and I have our most intimate as well as light hearted conversations in bed, usually before and during love making. I don’t mean to sound too risqué, but this is where I think we both feel raw, free to speak our hearts and minds and share our hopes and fears. We honestly don’t have great conversation outside of this, because I am usually impatient of her taking “forever” to get to the point…something I am working on and know I have to do better in. She deserves it, and it is her love language, time that is, so I do try to prioritize this…it is quite hard sometimes because often I find myself just wanting to shut down and relax after a 12-14 hour day, and rest…not engage in conversation. But I am grateful for this reminder, and appreciate the “Les’s” goldy example and reminders. God bless you both!!
If this behavior just started sit & talk to him, if you’ve done this already or repeatedly try pastoral counseling. Try not to ask closed questions that only require a yes/no response. Ask open ended questions that require detail. Pick topics of mutual interest to discuss for us it gardening we’re urban farmers (right in our backyard) unfortunately it doesn’t last all year.
When we get an email from L&L asking “When and where do you two have your best conversations?”. Oh and in the kitchen.
When we first wake up in the morning and don’t have to scramble out of bed.
While taking a walk or relaxing in bed.
Our best conversations are on our backyard deck that we sit out on early morning/ late evenings.
My husband and I have our best conversations either in the car, while I am driving, or while we walk the fence- a couple miles’ worth of electric fence around the cow pasture that has to be checked and weeds cut down from time to time. Actually, when we’ve had a conflict or I have something difficult to bring up, I pray for the fence to go down so we have to go walk it. For some reason, doing something physical and being out of the house (where we live with his parents, both are poor communicators and often grumpy) gets him opening up.
We’ve also had some good talks about beliefs after I read our nightly Bible story to my stepson and let him fall asleep in our bed. Hubby and I sit there and talk quietly for awhile before we go out to finish getting my disabled father-in-law to bed and settling the house for the night.
In my past, married to a broken/mentally ill man, there was no conversation and absolutely zero emotional intimacy. So blessed to be freed!
My wife and I have been receiving some great counsel on communication. The very first building block was for me as the husband to initiate everyday a time for “couch time.”
This time is set apart between 7:00- 9:00pm daily. It can last from 10 minutes to an hour. We shut off all distractions and sit in a position on the couch where we can have eye contact.
I open up with” My Love I think we need to have some couch time and I want you to tell me what is on your heart.”
My role is to listen! Not to interrupt or come up with solutions for my wife’s problems. The key is letting my wife know that she is in a “safe environment” and can tell me what ever is on her heart.
Often times especially in the beginning much of what I heard was critical of me. I must admit it was not easy and I would often defend myself. However, overtime this technique has helped us communicate more than we have in years.
I realized as a man and a husband the problem in my marriage is me!
I thank God for His Grace and how He has miraculously changed my controlling ways, softened my heart and redeemed our marriage!