And don’t be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there.
I Corinthians 7:17
Last month on one of our date nights, we splurged. We saw the popular 1980s group, Hall & Oats, in concert. Among their pop hits they also did a cover of the Righteous Brother’s classic “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’”that made the audience go crazy.
Why? In part because it’s one of the all-time great rock anthems. But we also suspect it’s because every married person can identify with it’s message: “Bring back that lovin’ feelin’.”
We all know that the feeling of ecstatic love we had when falling in love always passes. “The honeymoon always ends,” as the saying goes. “The bloom of romance always fades.”
Why does this happen? Because each of us constructs an idealized image of the person we marry. The image is planted by our partner’s eager efforts to put their best foot forward, but it takes root in the rich soil of our romantic fantasies. We want to believe we are marrying the perfect person.
But it’s not reality. That’s this phase is fleeting.
Some experts believe the half-life of romantic love is about three months, after which you have only half the amount of romantic feelings you started out with. Others believe romantic love stays at a peak for two to three years before starting to fade.
Whichever theory is correct, you can be sure that the enchantment of romance will begin to fade eventually.
An attorney we know who handles many divorce cases told us that the number one reason two people split up is that they “refuse to accept the fact that they are married to a human being.
In every marriage, mutual hope gives way to mutual disillusionment the moment you realize your partner is not the perfect person you thought you married.
But then again, they can’t be. No human being can fulfill our idealized dreams. A letdown is inevitable.
But there is sunshine behind the dark clouds of disappointment. Once you realize that your marriage is not a source of constant romance, you can appreciate the moments of romance you do encounter and create for what they are — a very special experience.
That, paradoxically, is how you keep form losing “those loving feelings.
Reflect and Respond
What do you do on a routine basis to keep romance alive in your relationship?
Go ahead, tell us in the comments.
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It’s so easy to get caught up in all the stuff of each day. We find activities to do together – beyond the obvious 🙂 – like walking together, bicycling, hunting, etc. When fun moments are experienced together that builds romance.
Interesting that you list 3 and an obvious 4th fun moments that are all physical activities. You opened a warm place in your husbands heart for you by pleasantly entering into his active life. I hope he has found how to open the warm place in your heart maybe with a flower or a compliment on how important you are to him and to the lives of children, your own or others. You are making a real difference in the people of your world.
My husband and I will be married 40 years in April of next year. To me, it has always been the little things that mean the most. A couple of years ago, Wayne started turning my side of the bed down at night. Now, whoever gets the opportunity first, will turn the others side down and turn their light on. Again, a simple act but for me, it lets me know he loves and cares about me, and I think it is very romantic:).
Leaving a note in my husband’s wallet,
A text of something sweet or romantic or maybe
Slightly naughty helps! 🙂
Tell your husband how handsome he is in front
Of your children.
Stay healthy and young in your mind together!
One thing that my husband does to keep the romance alive in our marriage is to touch me whenever he walks by me at home… a little pat, squeeze or rub… often unnoticed by others but never missed by me. It tells me without words that he notices me… finds me attractive… and is glad to be married to me. It’s generally not a ‘sexual touch’ (although it can lead to those thoughts at times)… I would encourage all couples to communicate more through the simple touches that we all started with at the beginning of our marriages… Holding his hand whenever we are driving or out and about still thrills me and comforts me after almost 25 years of marriage.
starting the day w a hug, admiration for husband, cherishing words for wife. We like to read from the word in the morning together followed by prayer. While this may not be “romantic” it created a oneness that leads to feelings of deep love and romance. We love to dance together and hold hands when we are together. Learning ways to enhance the romance in our marriage has taken work, time and prayer. Too many people give up or dont try hard enough through the trials of life. We have 43 years of marriage and it truly grows sweeter.
Something else that causes the fade. I call it “the familiar”. Our brains are wired to get accustomed to repetition and label it as “familiar” with the implication being less impactful. That way every time we see the same thing, even though it excited us before, it has a lesser power over us. That way we can put some things aside and move on in our understanding of how the world works and how we can live and improve in it. That ability serves us well as we learn to drive a car, drive a nail or carve a statue but has less value in appreciating the initial attractiveness of our mate. So romantic love is more emotional and more fun but familiarity isn’t all bad.
I think that the initial power of romantic love is there, among other things, to pull us over the relationship line into a lifelong covenant partnership. Then romantic lasts long enough to make the transition to the more powerful forms of love like brotherly/sisterly love and even eventually agape love that makes life worth it.
The truly miraculous thing is that we have been given permission by the Creator of marriage to fix it when we “lose our first love”. It comes from Revelation. Remember what it was like. Revisit the old places, walk the same paths and rediscover the feelings that came alive in those places. Re Create that first love by re-doing the old favors and promises you made when you first met. Then when love gets familiar again, stop, make a date, get away to re-create again.
It’s been almost 48 years since we married. We know Hall & Oates. We also know the title of another song by Stephen Stills that applies to marriages of all ages: If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with! There’s a caveat, of course.
The one you’re with now–that same handsome or beautiful “perfect” one you married however many years ago–is being transformed everyday by the Spirit, by interactions with other people, by the influence of culture. It’s good to remember that I’m not the same as then, and he’s not either. We’re better!
Blessings on your marriage.
Nov. !2th we will celebrate 60 years of Bearing each other and we are excited has been all fun but it’s been great and still is. We not only love each other but we love each other. God has been so good and we had great spiritual mentors.
I think we would all be much better off if we were more true to ourselves when we first meet others. The reason so many of these marriages fail, as you point out, is because people didn’t marry who they thought they did. If you are looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with how do you accomplish this if you make yourself into someone else for the dating period, and maybe even the first 4-6 months of marriage? I think the reason my wife and I are still just as much in love today as we were 24 years ago when we decided we were who each other wanted to grow old with is because we are the same people now that we were then.
24 years ago I didn’t fall in love with someone only to find she is not even close to who I thought she was. Instead I fell in love with my soulmate and have the absolute blessing of waking up next to that same amazing woman each and every morning. If we spent less time trying to find the person that loved us for what you are acting to be, and more time on trying to find the person that loves us for who we are maybe those statistics would be different.
As for what I do to keep romance alive, I tell my wife I love her every single morning and night and several times in between and I MEAN it. I find her as beautiful and desirable emotionally, physically and sexually as I did 24 years ago if not more and I tell her at every opportunity, sometimes even when we aren’t alone! Most importantly I am always true to who I am when I am with her. She fell in love with who I am, not who I think I need to be. My job is to make sure that is who she gets to wake up next to every morning.
THis year it’s quiet. It’s been raining all week and I found how I can’t be there b/c I have a class.We are gonna have a poestr for kids to sign saying they want to walk, have walked or will walk. kinda quiet. hopefully there will be a poestr filled with kids names on it hanging in the school.