We were having lunch with Jim and Karen at Chinooks, a favorite restaurant with one of our favorite couples. As we got settled into our booth and were perusing our menus, Jim said, he had a question for us: “What makes you cry?”
Les nearly did a spit-take with his glass of water. “What are you talking about?” Les asked, thinking Jim was joking around.
“I’m dead serious,” Jim continued. “What pains you right now?” He went on to say that everyone, if you scratch the surface, has something that could make them cry, if not literally, figuratively. For Jim, a former football player, it was a relationship struggle he was having with his college-age son. For Karen, it was the painful divorce her sister was going through.
Needless to say, the conversation got serious. I (Leslie) talked about my mom who suffers from brittle diabetes and is facing some tough days ahead. Les said he still wants to cry about not having his dad to talk with, five years after his father passed away.
“Where’d you come up with this question?” Les asked Jim. That’s when Jim and Karen told us about the three questions they’d started asking each other about once a month. They told us these questions were helping them connect at a deeper level than ever before. We’ve been using them in our marriage ever since. Here they are:
- “What do you dream about?” It’s been said that to understand the mind of someone you can look at what they have already achieved. But to understand someone’s heart you’ll want to discover what they dream about. Do you know what your partner dreams most about these days?
- What do you cry about?” When you know where your partner carries their pain, what makes them hurt, you can’t help but to understand their heart at the deepest levels. What hurts are they carrying right now?
- “What do you sing about?” When you know what brings joy to your partner, you know where they draw their strength. What is your partner singing about this week? What’s bringing them the most joy?
Of course, these three questions don’t have to be literal. Just use them to structure a deep conversation when the time is right and discover what your partner is dreaming about, what hurts they may be carrying, and what’s bringing them joy. When should you ask them? We don’t schedule this conversation ourselves, but we find that when we have a bit of time and a desire to go deeper, these three questions are sure to take us there.
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These are great questions. My wife and I spend time talking about what we dream about…but to be honest, I can’t remember the last time I took the time to ask these kinds of question to her. With our monthly date night coming up…these will make some great conversation starters for the car drive.
To answer the question you asked at the bottom of this post.
1. I dream about our families future as we grow our business.
2. I sing when playing with our kids…they are so stinking cute and fun (they are also both under 4, this helps with that cute thing)
3. And what makes me cry, stubbing my toe. But seriously, I want to cry when I start thinking about all of our dreams and all of the demands on me by others and the expectations I have placed on myself. And under all that pressure is when I begin to think about my shortcomings. When I have to admit that I’m scared to death I’m not up to the task, that I’m not the man my wife thinks she married…that fear makes me want to cry.
Eric: So glad you find these questions helpful. I (Les) can identify with your #3 and the shortcomings thing. That’s when I have to ask and re-ask God to help me make up for all of them. 🙂 Let us know how they work on your upcoming date night.
What makes me cry? I remember when I was 22, my roommate Frank’s girlfriend died at age 19 from congenital heart failure. She didn’t expect to live a long life and therefore lived life to the fullest. Frank left town for a week to be with her survivors and his family. I was left alone in the apartment with nobody to share my grief. I never felt so lonely. I wept a lot. It was temporary grief and with time the mourning period passed. But I think back to it and now believe that there are probably many, many people who live in this kind of isolation every single day of their lives. That’s sad … and worth of tears.
Peter: You are so right. Grief and loneliness is an awful combination. Thanks so much for sharing your experience and being so vulnerable with it.
I cry every time I listen to NPR. It seems like so many places in the world are in conflict, and humans are doing unspeakably inhuman things to each other. I dream about moving with my family to another place, to experience a different language and culture. I sing about my kids, and about the beautiful scenery that I’m surrounded by every day.
Alana: We sure value your input here. Out of curiosity, where do you dream of moving to (and from where)? The desire for a cultural shift for your family sounds very intriguing and exotic. We love hearing about those kinds of dreams.
I really enjoy your devotional for couples. Thank you for your thought-provoking questions. We live in beautiful, rural Vermont, but we’d love to opportunity to live in Europe, or really anywhere. My father was a missionary kid, and I loved hearing his stories of growing up in S. America. I have spent time abroad, and the experience has broadened my perspective and has enriched my life in so many ways. It’s such a big world, and I’m not interested in being a tourist anymore. (Okay, full disclosure, my fondest desire is to live in France.)
Ahh. Love that dream. We’ve been to France many years ago and would love to go back (but not to live :)). We love Vermont. I (Les) grew up in New England (near Boston).
This is extremely difficult for us to answer these three questions as we are in our 70s. We feel that we have to be the instigators for anything to happen within our circle of friends or family where everyone is busy in their own worlds. This makes us both cry or feel sad and lonely. We are grateful we have each other .
Dreams? At this age we have been so blessed that it’s hard to know what or how to dream. People are our dreams and we are not in control of what they do or if they desire to be or share with us. I wish there were more fun things for seniors.
Worship makes us sing. We are active in our Sunday school classes and in Middle Tennessee Tres Dias which both give us joy.
We would love feedback on new directions for seniors.
Eunie and Peter: You’re in your 70’s and reading our devotional. We LOVE that! Our friends, Dave and Claudia Arp wrote a book some years ago called The Second Half of Marriage. It’s focus is on the senior years. You might want to check it out. Also, you may already be doing this but with your years of experience I’m guessing you’d be great as mentors to other couples. Are you aware of our Marriage Mentoring Academy (www.MarriageMentoring.com)?
1. What makes me cry? Frustration at my inabilities to accomplish my goals makes me cry.
2. What are my dreams? Sometimes my dreams are beautiful and loving. These dreams involve my happy family, dreams of a singing career, gorgeous landscape, laughter.
Sometimes my dreams are ugly and horrifying. These dreams are of war and its ravages.
3. What makes me sing? The pure joy of the love of God makes me sing. Happiness makes me sing. Sorrow makes me sing. I guess my heart sings often.
Linda: We are so glad you shared this. Thanks for taking the time. Wonderful!
I Dream about better days for our family. Family vacations again, times to spend with my 3 girls, 1 step son and husband. Time to share and talk with each other.
I cry a lot right now because I don’t have a relationship that I can talk to my husband and ask him these questions. I pray and cry to God for help.
I sing to The Lord for the small things I see. I sing when God answers prayers in my life. I am learning to sing in the heart ache.
Angela