“It’s my way or the highway.” Ever felt like that? Of course you have. If we are honest, we have all had times where we wanted something done our way while our spouse wanted it done another.
Make way for compromise. Not one of my favorite words. I (Leslie) view compromise in much the same way I view such things a sit-ups and checkbook balancing: necessary but evil.
Some people start out marriage with the belief that they shouldn’t have to compromise because they should agree on everything. That’s because during courtship they seem to agree on everything, and that seems to be the goal. But over time, different needs and issues are brought to bear on the committed relationship, and some disagreement about how to meet those needs and deal with those issues is inevitable. And if a husband and wife don’t learn to eat a little humble pie and make some compromises now and then, they might as well give up. Marriage cannot survive without compromise.
Arriving at a mutually pleasing compromise doesn’t just solve the immediate, specific problem of the conflict itself, it also ushers in a spirit of humility to the marriage. You see, selfish pride is the primary barrier to compromise in marriage. So by default, when we compromise, humility is infused into the relationship. No wonder the book of Proverbs states that when pride enters the picture it’s a disgrace, but humility cultivates wisdom.
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Very well stated–and now you want me to think about a way in which I can do something that’s “necessary but evil”. OK, I’ll try to think about some way…
Thanks, Clif! You can do it!
Am also finding compromise and eating humble pie is God’s way for me at my job, as well as in my marriage. Just another way to follow Jesus as a servant.
We have a friend who says: “humble pie is a pasty that’s never tasty”. So true!
interesting perspective on compromise especially using that scripture. I never saw it in the marriage context. So I am dealing with an issue regarding “work” parties. We do not see eye to eye on this. My spouse’s company has an annual Christmas party and spouse’s are not included and my spouse feels that the work party is kind of her “space.” I don’t like it. I have expressed my concerns.I don’t feel right insisting that she not attend. How to compromise?
Thank you for your message, Mike. Compromise can be difficult and confusing, that’s for sure. There is really no right or wrong answer, just what works for your marriage. We will pray for God’s counsel and grace be upon you and your spouse.
I can honor my husband when he needs some time to himself after we have had an agreement. In pride I go after him to solve the conflict right there and then but I know humility would put him before my feelings and fear and let him have some space(super hard to do) knowing we will talk about it more later when we both are calm.
Great observation, Elisabeth. We talk about the value of taking a time out in The Good Fight. The key is to agree on when you’ll reconnect and work through it and even introduce an element to on-ramp back to the conversation such as sharing a meal, an activity or even just holding hands.
My wife took our daughter and left 3 weeks ago. There’s no abuse, affair, or addiction. When it comes to compromising with the time we have with our daughter, she feels that it’s her responsibility to take care of our child, and that she gets to tell me when I can see her. I want desperately for our marriage to be restored and for her to come home, but she refuses. She thinks that the only way I can prove I love her is to give up all my rights with respect to this time with our daughter. I realize the issues run much deeper than these few sentences, but I’m at such a loss.
We’re very sorry to hear about your situation, Ricky. Of course, this is not a petty problem. We recommend seeking out Godly counsel from someone in your area. Do you have someone like that?
Hmm, I like to have the silverware sorted when it goes in the dishwasher, it makes it easier to put away, but the wife doesn’t care and just puts in in there (sort first or sort after?). Such a little and silly thing to be concerned about, Happy wife, happy life. If that’s our biggest issues then we really have problems!
Volumes can be written on how to best load the dishwasher for maximum efficiency, PJ! Totally with you there! But if it creates friction in our marriage in the process, it’s not very efficient.