Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk.
Be gentle with one another, sensitive.
Ephesians 4:31
Les walked through the front door of our home this week, set a copy of the Wall Street Journal on the kitchen counter and said, “Let’s never give each other the cold shoulder again.”
“Again?” I asked. “When do we ever do that?”
Les held up a section of the paper he’d just read about the damage it does to a married couple when they give each other the silent treatment – that destructive pattern where one spouse gets demanding and the other withdraws to the point of completely clamming up.
Sulking. Pouting. Shutting your spouse out. It’s a lame attempt to punish and it’s more toxic than you might imagine.
Nearly 70% of spouses admit to using the silent treatment to hurt their partner.
The study looked at more than 7,000 couples and found the demand-withdraw pattern to be one of the most damaging types of relationship patterns ever for couples.
Why? Three reasons:
- it’s manipulative,
- it’s disrespectful, and
- it’s not productive.
“It becomes a vicious cycle,” says Sean Horan, director of the study at Texas State University. “Soon you’re no longer addressing the issue at hand. You start arguing about arguing.”
Spiteful words can hurt your feelings but silence breaks your heart.
–Anonymous
Here’s how you can break the pattern:
- Become aware of what’s really going on. The person making demands feels abandoned; the silent person is protecting himself. Each needs to ask, “Why am I behaving this way? How does my behavior make my partner feel?”
- Avoid character assassination. It will do more damage to label your spouse as “selfish,” or “rude.”
- Use the word “I” because the more you use “you,” the longer your squabble will last. You can say something like: “This is how I feel when you stop talking to me.”
- Mutually agree to take a timeout. When the cycle emerges, both partners need to cool their heads and warm their hearts before engaging. And some people just need a bit of time to think before they speak.
- Genuinely apologize as soon as you are able.
You’ve heard that “silence is golden,” but when it comes to marriage, it can be a “marriage killer.”
It’s time we all ban the silent treatment from our marriages. The silent treatment is lethal to love.
Reflect and Respond
What tip do you have for others on managing conflict in marriage?
Go ahead, tell us in the comments.
Related Resource
Every couple fights. In fact, successful couples disagree just as much as couples who don’t go the distance. But a mountain of research shows what separates happy from not-so-happy marriages: they know how to resolve conflict. Happy couples have learned how to use disagreement to deepen their connection.
With innovative, real-life ideas that work, The Good Fight will help you turn the most painful moments of your marriage into milestones that mark a deeper joy and a greater passion for each other.
The silent treatment was the way my ex-husband punished me the most. He suffered from borderline personality disorder, so there was a lot of dysfunction. But whenever he perceived any kind of slight (even when I bought “the wrong brand of salsa”), he would withdraw from me. Silence that lasted for days and even weeks at a time, accompanied by staying away from me, physically. Not coming to bed, getting up and leaving a room when I entered it, refusing to respond to me about any thing.
I can attest to how silence can kill a marriage. The good thing it did was drive me closer to God! He met my every need and showed me what I mean to Him, which in time released me from that miserable marriage and kept my spirit intact.
After so many years of being punished in that manner, even though I left nearly 4 years ago and remarried 1 year ago to an amazing man, when my husband gets quiet, I still get fearful and suffer from those awful memories. I pray about it and must force myself to ask him how he’s doing and if every thing is alright. It usually is just him spending quiet time in his head. Praying for healing from the scars.