Because we loved you so much,
we were delighted to share with you
not only the gospel of God but our lives as well.
I Thessalonians 2:8
When Les and I first began to receive calls to speak as a couple at marriage events and seminars across the country, I had extreme self-doubt and anxiety.
I felt that the only credibility I could have as a teacher was if I was able to perfectly embody everything I taught. The fear was so crippling I not only fasted and prayed—I found a therapist.
It was immobilizing. I felt I had to mend every broken place in me (and therefore in my marriage) to qualify as a teacher.
Only when I understood that our best teaching came from sharing our honest pilgrimage as a couple wholeheartedly committed to living into these ideals—not a couple under the pretense of having arrived at them—that God gave me a genuine joy in using the gift of teaching he had given me.
Today we are on our way to Kansas, where we will spend time teaching a room full of five hundred or so couples how to fight a good fight. And if there is one thing I know for sure, conflict is the price we pay in marriage for a deeper sense of intimacy as a couple.
I know this because I have paid that price, and won that prize.
Mentor: Someone whose hindsight can become your foresight.
–Anonymous
The connection I have with Les today, after three decades of married life, rests on the bedrock of authenticity and tenacity that can only be tested in the fires of conflict.
And it’s that kind of knowing that gives us credibility as teachers, not (as I once believed) the kind of credentials that come with never having fought.
And so when I mount the steps of a platform to teach these days, I am freer than ever to share moments of marital brilliance that only come following the moments of marital bewilderment.
And so this week, we encourage you to consider your not-so-perfect marriage, too. And think about how God may want to use you to minister to other couples – not necessarily on a platform, but in a mentoring relationship.
Your moments of marital bewilderment give you the credibility to help others cultivate moments of marital brilliance.
Reflect and Respond
Do you have an imperfect marital moment that might be
a great means to minister to another couple?
Care to share it with us?
Go ahead, tell us in the comments.
Related Resource
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Interesting that you suggest that “fighting” brings intimacy. I see that this does happen, however could you explain why and is there a better way to argue?
Thanks 🙂
Sharon Mott
I’m not a qualified counsellor, but my understanding of this from my talking to others and from my own marriage is as follows. Often when there is a misunderstanding, it can lead to a fight. One path you can take is “winning the fight” and making it about your “needs”, but the other approach is to try and look at it from the other person’s perspective. Maybe he’s feeling misunderstood or under appreciated or just really tired? When you have an a-ha moment and work out what is bothering your spouse (often it means having a good hard look at your own behaviour) and verbalise it to them, they feel like you understand them and then they are more inclined to look deeper into why you got upset too. I don’t offer sex during an unresolved fight because I think that is a potentially distructive pattern to fall into. Unfortunately, a lot of people confuse sex for intimacy when they are two separate entities (but best enjoyed together!).
Great question, Sharon. And it deserves more than a few sentence answer (that’s why we wrote our recent book, The Good Fight). But the bottom line is that if you know how to fight a good fight, conflict becomes the price we pay for a deeper level of intimacy. It actually bring you closer together. In the book we devote a chapter to “why” and “how” this happens. There are multiple reasons, but one is that when a couple makes it through some turbulent time it gives them confidence that they can weather tough times in the future together – even better. Thanks for your questions, Sharon.
Another question: how do you maintain your marriage intimacy with a busy schedule? Sometimes I feel so insecure. Thanks for your insights.
My husband and I literally have to schedule time together most weeks. It’s Wednesday here is Australia and a few hours ago, we sat down with our iPhones and scheduled a movie date for 7pm Friday night. When one of us says, “I really enjoy spending time with you, shall we schedule a date?” the other one already feels appreciated and wanted before we even make the date. 🙂 We have a baby due in 2-3 weeks and I’ve already arranged a team of baby sitters to take turns minding our little one so that we can continue with our weekly dates. I think dates often naturally lead to physical intimacy because you’re feeling more emotionally connected and relaxed, but I think some men like to be surprised too. Eg. Randomly jumping into the shower with him and not caring that you’ll get to that party or whatever a few minutes late. I think a normal man would be so happy that his partner is taking the time and effort that he won’t notice any of her perceived physical imperfections.
Sharon, you are asking some great questions. I’ll just mention that our book, The Time Starved Marriage, has dozens of helpful tips and helps for this issue. And you can take the free online assessment about it on our website at LesAndLeslie.com to discover your “time style.” I think you’ll find it helpful (comes with free exercises).
I’m grateful to God for your passion to speak to all about strong marriages. But, there’s a great affliction in today’s church, and it is in regards to what we call marriage, contrary to what God calls marriage. We all know that God hates divorce, but there is a shocking truth that “few” want to hear: God doesn’t care about most divorces because He never acknowledged the marriage to begin with. I have lived through this. When you contact me by e-mail, I will be glad to tell you the depth of this. In Christ Alone. . .
David: You obviously have quite a story. Thanks for connecting here.
We are passing through an extremely challenging time in our marriage. Our first child is 6 months old and was not a good sleeper. We have fought (not well). I find it interesting that other Mums are saying similar things about the challenges of being a good wife and Mum. No-one told us how difficult it is when extreme tiredness, lack of physical intimacy and differences in opinion and perspective are all placed into the mix simultaneously when baby comes home. While our focus has been on our new and precious little girl I don’t think either of us feels truly valued by the other. Neither of us are having our needs met. I hope we are able to learn from this experience, grow stronger and closer as a couple and in the future prepare other couples for what can occur in marriage when that bundle of joy is added to the mix.
Oh, Heather. You and your hubby are indeed facing difficult times. To quote Maria in The Sound of Music, “Strength doesn’t lie in numbers; strength doesn’t lie in wealth. Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumber.” We raised six children, and although we don’t have any more babies, I clearly recall the troubles that our relationship had to endure during those days.
First of all, pray. Too many times I waited too long before seeking God’s help, and he is there for us in our weakness. Next, try to take turns sleeping/caring for baby. There’s no sense in both if you being exhausted. Third, if at all possible, find a sitter–even if it’s only for an hour–so you and hubby can take a walk together or something. You’ve got to make time for each other. As far as physical intimacy goes, that gets tricky. Again, seek God for this area of your life, though it might seem strange. God wants to help us with all our needs! There may be times that you are just going through the motions, but it will get better as baby gets bigger.
Hang in there! I’m here as proof that your marriage can not only survive but thrive after the major change that babies bring. Just keep loving each other. Find even little ways to show it regularly. I will be praying for you!
Thanks for the encouragement. I feel the exact same way. Many times I have failed as a husband and wonder how I could ever help another couple. However, I have learned some valuable lessons from my failures which has ultimately helped to strengthen our marriage relationship and also helped me to have a deeper connection with my wife. Thanks for reminding us that we don’t have to be perfect. But we can learn from our failures, continue to grow, and share those experiences with others. Great post!
Thanks, Shawn. Sure appreciate your kind words and encouragement. Glad you found this post helpful.
Twenty five years ago our marriage was in chaos. An affair decimated us. We knew that the only way forward began with renewing our commitment to God, to each other, and “getting to work”. It was the most diificult work we have done. Twenty five years later we continue to be intentional in working on our relationship. Some days it is easy, some days not.
We are mentors to engaged and distressed couples. Our most powerful message is that our marriage is not always firing on all cylinders.
At a weekend retreat we told our story. It was the most impactful message of the retreat. Five years later a man, who attended the retreat, came up to my husband. He thanked my husband for being real. Our story had kept him committed to working on his relationship.
Today we share no pretenses, only authenticity and a desire to daily work on our relationship. Not always easy, not always fun but so worth it.
Annetta: Godo to hear from you and thanks for sharing this. SO true! And thanks for all you do to minister to others.
I have to do a lot of marriage counseling in my job as a GP (a family doctor). At first, I was really overwhelmed about counselling patients who had been married 30 years when I haven’t even celebrated my 2nd wedding anniversary! I seeked advice from friends who had been married for decades and they made me see that I had a lot to offer about being happy in marriage. I mostly actively listen during a consult, but then I offer some Of my own experiences and advice towards the end of a session, then set them a homework task to work on. I openly tell my patients that my husband and I adore each other, but there are moments when we have major communication breakdowns. (Especially during recent renovations!). I tell them it’s ok to “fail” at times in a relationship, as long as you recognize what happened and approach the resolution stage from a place of love for the other person, not making it about your “needs” eg. to be “right” or “win the fight”. I don’t hold back with describing how I felt at the time (eg. I felt like grabbing the xbox console and throwing it out the window) and how I calmed down (eg. took a few deep breaths and counted to ten) and started working towards the resolution (eg. then I thought of reasons why he might be preferring the company of a game to me and maybe he was worried or upset about something – which it turned out he was…) . We’re not perfect as individuals, so of course our marriage isn’t perfect. I think we have the intimacy thing right, so I tell my patients about how to spot the opportunities to show our partner we care for them and understand them at a deep level and often those opportunities are during times of conflict. But, in saying all that, I’m reading Making Happy (and a few other books) and I’m completing a counselling diploma!
Fiona: That’s GREAT to hear. Congrats on the counseling education. What a great compliment to your work as a GP. And thanks for reading Making Happy. Hope you find it helpful. All our best to you.
It is always good to hear when other married couples share their struggles because it let’s you know that you are not alone. My husband and I are the couples ministry leaders at our church and in our meeting last night we talked about the importance of covenant. However, God led my husband and I to share about how we don’t always effectively communicate with one another. I was raised in a home where as a child I never got to express how I felt and that has been a baggage that I brought in our marriage. My husband on the other hand likes to discuss the issue right away. After 14 years of being married this is an area for me that I have to work extremely hard at. God really convicted me when I read your devotional How to stay clear of the silent killer. My husband and I talk through our issues but at times it is difficult but God gives me grace in that I have a patient husband. Please keep us in your prayers.
I do not dream. I have movies. I have mentioned to my husband I wouldn’t be so tired in the morning if my brain wasn’t so active producing during the night. And if I was smart, I would take my movies, write them down and send them to Hollywood. For a period of about 10 years, my dreams have been mainly end of the world type dreams. I do not know why. Life changed, I moved myself and children here, blended a family together with my spouse. We are blessed, our lives are hectic – but my dream world is “always” (little exaggeration) ones where a natural disaster is hitting, someone is dying, the end is here. I had a most wonderful dream last year and I awoke, happy, alert – the feelings from the dream washing over me and said to my husband how sad it is that my dreams are rarely good, joyous or just plain normal that it would cause this one to be so unique! I do share my dreams with my husband, our kids and we laugh about it. Crazy! I’m not sure what there is to work out but if a dream is an indicator of the internal mental health, I’m worried! 😉 I really am interested in finding out exactly what activity my brain is going through when it should be RESTING!