Not long ago I was convinced Leslie had taken a fifty-dollar bill from my wallet. I was certain because I took special care to place it at the back of my other bills earlier in the week when I went to the bank. And now it wasn’t there.
“I didn’t touch your wallet,” she protested.
But during the entire afternoon everything she did seemed suspicious — the tone of her voice, her gestures. I was convinced she had taken the money and probably forgot. By the look in her eye, I sensed that even she was uncertain. But that changed in an instant when I suddenly recalled using the bill two days earlier when paying for groceries. That’s when I sheepishly conjured up an apology: “Um. Guess what? You didn’t take my money after all – but you did seem suspicious.”
Leslie died laughing. “I seemed suspicious because you wanted me to be suspicious!”
And she was right. I was looking at my wife like she was a thief. Why? Chalk it up to something we humans are pretty good at: Building a mind-set. Like blinders that keep us from seeing accurately, a mind-set only permits a vision of what we want to see.
Some miserable people, for example, find a problem in every solution. We see it in our counseling offices: “Yes, but . . .,” is a common refrain.
“Have you tried reflecting your partner’s feelings before you try to make your point?” we might ask.
“Yes, but that doesn’t work because she doesn’t listen to me,” the client responds.
“Have you considered trying to understand him before getting him to understand you?” we say in another attempt.
“Yes, but he doesn’t talk to me.”
One of the reasons some people can’t find a solution to their problems is because they aren’t really looking for one. They’ve developed a mind-set that filters solutions out.
The old adage is true: You find what you’re looking for. So what are you looking for in your marriage? What are you looking for in your spouse? Is it positive or negative? If you’re looking for something negative, there’s a good chance you’ll find it. More importantly, if you’re looking for positive attributes in your partner, you’ll instantly increase the odds of finding them, too. The choice is yours.
By the way, in this first week of December, we’d love to hear from you! Are you willing to share a Christmas tradition that is particularly meaningful to you as a couple or family? Leave a note in the comments section below.
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Well this couldn’t have come at a more appropriate moment as I just accused my husband of cheating on me. My husband has Aspergers Syndrome & he has lied/kept things from me before so yes I have major trust issues. 12/4 6:30am an suv was parked across from our house when my husband walked out to leave for work the person in the car shut the inside light off turned the car around & turned onto the main rd. & actually waited at the corner for a while (traffic at 6:30 isn’t much). I know by the figure in the car it was a woman. Did I jump or was I pushed? I really need an answer.
Linda: Our heart aches to hear this. We will pray for you and your situation today.
My wife, two children (5,2), and myself, started last year, decorating a tree with only ornaments we make from our chosen biblical theme. Last year it was the fruit of the spirit and this year it will be creation. We had a lot of fun last year, and I know the children will love making the animals for the tree this year. It is important for us to have Christ as the center of Christmas, and not get lost in mindless decorating, spending, traveling, and all the other things that have taken Christ’s place in this time of celebrating His birth.
What a great thought, Lance. And how creative! Thanks for sharing this.
This was a great reminder that we look at our spouses through many different filters, and very few of them are an actual representation of who they are. We all have these “mind-sets” that you speak of as we come in to our relationships with our spouses. We also have our own view of things and if we don’t understand that our spouse is different than us we see things they do through the filter (or mind-set) that we would view ourselves through. “My wife is quite today, what have I done wrong?” I haven’t done anything wrong, my wife is quite because she has an introverted personality and had one to many meetings today and simply needs some quite time. Because we are all wired just a little differently to begin with we have to learn to put aside the filters to view our spouse as they are not as we perceive them to be. This is even more important when we have situations like your example where we are hyper-vigilant because we are in a situation that changes our mind-set. If only it was easy to do as it was to write down!
We don’t have a lot of traditions in our family around Christmas, but one we do have is going to Christmas Eve service at church and then driving the neighborhoods looking at all the Christmas lights while we listen to, and unfortunately in some case sing, Christmas songs from the radio. It is fun, and something we are hopeful we can hold on to even as our kids growing older and moving on in life.
We hear you, Andy. Seeing our spouse through the right “filter” is often a tall order. Wishing you a very merry Christmas.
The Free Box
For over 25 years we have held a friendly family challenge to fill a free box . . . everything in the box has to be obtained free, although shipping charges if required are acceptable exceptions. There are also some exclusions. Obviously things with best before dates have to be excluded, and we also exclude those free magazines and newspapers available at the convenience store checkout.
In the beginning we would fill a shoe box; we now fill several file boxes. From hotel soaps, to grocery store recipe magazines, to the shoes that were two for one, it is always a surprise to see how creative we can get.
It is the last gift we give each other on Christmas morning. It is a friendly challenge because we all share in the distribution of the items. and waiting over six months to reclaim my free pair of shoes was a surprise as I had forgotten they were in there!
Bill: We love this “Free Box” idea. It’s a great one! Sure appreciate you letting the rest of us know about it.
Your article and example are so insightful! I love the line about it being like blinders that limit us to only seeing what we want to see. One fun Christmas tradition our family does is to have the kids “shop” at our house. The truth is, we own far more than we realize we do, and we don’t need (and don’t have space to put!) a lot of new items. Half the time, we forget some of the great books, jewelry, and other things we have stuffed in a bookshelf or closet. Yet, we want our children to be giving and to understand sacrificial giving. We encourage our (older) children (they are 10, 8, 5, and 10 months) to go through our house and wrap up gifts that we have that someone in our family would appreciate. For example, my daughter gave me some specially chosen books that I had forgotten we had that she knew I would like, and the kids “regave” my husband a “#1 Dad” hat that they had given him several years ago. The kids also shop for each other among the items they have that they may be done with (a workbook, a craft item they got for a birthday and never used, etc.). It’s a neat way to rediscover items, encourage giving with children, and not add extra stuff into our home. Another fun tradition we do is to set a giving goal, make Buckeyes (chocolate covered peanut butter balls) and sell them to family and friends. 100% of the money we make goes toward World Vision/Samaritan’s Purse, and our kids have a blast choosing items from World Vision/Samaritan’s Purse Gift Catalogs that bring hope and provide necessities for people in need.
Ann: This is fantastic! If you were nearby we’d surely buy some of those Buckeyes! Love it.
Hi Drs. Les & Leslie,
This article was so timely. I do not “feel” positive about my spouse when I come home to dishes in the sink when he knows it’s an annoyance to me. He works nights so he sleeps most of the day while I’m working. I make it my business not to leave dishes in the sink when I leave in the morning. Unfortunately for me it “appears” I’m the only one in our household we have a 19 yr. old daughter and 17 yr. old son still at home) that thinks that courtesy should be reciprocated.
The kids have been trained not to leave dishes in the sink. They are very good about it though.
However, I do feel positive about my spouse when he cleans up the bedroom or does little “honey do” list items. Occasionally I “feel” the warm fuzzies about him for no reason.
Just pray for us. LOL
Be assured that we will pray for you. We are so glad you re reading our devotional.
We started several Christmases ago watching the Nativity movie together as a family on Christmas Eve. We will then gather in the living room and my husband will read the Christmas story to our six children from the Bilble.
We will sing a Christmas song or two and then we will take communion together. It is a beautiful reflective time on the true meaning of Christmas. We enjoy being able to thank God for coming to us as a baby as we take communion together and look to the cross. After this we exchange gifts.
Christmas morning the children enjoy opening their stockings but they have to sing a Christmas song for every step they descend:) There are 15 steps and my husband and I enjoy hearing their beautiful voices as we snuggle in bed for those extra glorious moments!!
Jen: That is SO great! Fifteen songs to get to their stockings. Wow! Those kids are committed. And they’ll always remember that unique tradition. How cool!
I love reading your devotionals! Sometimes I don’t get to read it the day it comes out, but I am always challenged by your words. We are very stressed right now by adding our first little one through adoption. There are a lot of open ended questions that we just need to lay at Jesus’ feet and trust in him. But sometimes it’s easier to just take it out on each other instead, and let worry and anxiousness take over. Satan is really good at reminding us of that! In fact I had a dream last night that my husband was cheating on me, which I am sure from the father of lies. But I woke up so mad at him, and he had no idea the hate I had in my heart after my dream. That is not the filter I want to use when I look at my hubby. So I choose to see him with the truth filter, he gets up at 3 am to change and feed our baby, and he loves and supports me everyday! Thank you for reminding me to change my filter!
Emily: What a sweet note. Thanks for taking the time reply and share what’s going on with you on this issue. We’re so glad you found the piece helpful. And, yes, isn’t it amazing that even our dreams – while we are asleep – can influence the filter we view our spouse through! Thanks again.
Wow, you guys, I really needed this devotion. Not just today on Christmas day, but all year! So glad to end this year on a positive!
Suspicion has been my constant companion for the past 30 years!! Hummm, if I’m completely honest, suspicion has been here since my marriage vows!
When I read this article I knew this was me always looking at my husband. How do I change, clean or stop being this way towards my husband? There has almost always been cause and too many times I was right on in my suspicion.
Help me to clean my filters!! I don’t want to be this person anymore!