When your wife says “What?”,
it’s not because she didn’t hear you.
She’s giving you a chance to change what you said.
–Les Parrott
It never fails. We can be in a college classroom with a couple hundred students or an auditorium with a couple thousand couples. Whenever we show a brief video called Beware of the Doghouse (produced by JCPenneys in 2009), the audience erupts with laughter.
The bit features guys who’ve done something that offended their wives, buying them insulting gifts like a vacuum cleaner or a gym membership, for example.
The result?
They get thrown into the doghouse – literally. And in this case, it leads to an underground tunnel where they have to fold laundry, eat quiche, and face all-female tribunals for parole hearings.
It’s an absurd exaggeration but it still hits a nerve. All of us, both husbands and wives, can identify with doing or saying something stupid to our spouse. We all experienced the cold shoulder that leads us to ask: “What’s the matter?”
That’s followed by the inevitable answer: “Nothing.”
Ding. Ding. Ding.
You’re in the proverbial doghouse. And you can be sure you’re not about to get out until the conversation starts flowing again.
And it’s clear enough, isn’t it,
that we’re sinners, every one of us,
in the same sinking boat with everybody else?
Romans 3:9 (MSG)
Sometimes spouses get upset and they don’t know how to express their dissatisfaction except by shutting you out.
Other times, they think you should know what you have done to upset them. Either way, the sooner you can talk about it, the sooner your relationship will be back on track.
So how do you make that happen? It’s easier than you think. These two time-tested tips will help:
- Don’t keep asking what’s wrong. Instead, say something like, “I’ve obviously done something to make you feel bad and I’m so sorry. I’m guessing it makes you even more upset that it’s not clear to me. But I want to make it right. Can you tell me what’s going on?”
- Listen aggressively. That means genuinely wanting to know what your spouse is thinking and feeling. It means not being defensive or trying to explain the offense away – even if it seems irrational to you. You can say something like: “I’m so glad you’re telling me about this. Let me see if I’m understanding.”
If you do these two things, you’re well on your way to getting out of the proverbial doghouse.
For more help, attend one of our Fight Night Events listed at GoodFightNight.com or consider hosting one in your community.
Reflect and Respond
What have you found helpful when it comes to staying out of the proverbial doghouse?
Go ahead, tell us in the comments.
Related Resource
Every couple fights. In fact, successful couples disagree just as much as couples who don’t go the distance. But a mountain of research shows what separates happy from not-so-happy marriages: they know how to resolve conflict. Happy couples have learned how to use disagreement to deepen their connection. The Good Fight will help you turn the most painful moments of your marriage into milestones that mark a deeper joy and a greater passion for each other.
Staying out of the dog house is important. Being married to my wonderful wife for 36 years… I learned fast. I listen and learn to observe body language whenever we’re communicating. It’s important! Most of the time it’s not what I said buy how I say it. Be compassionate.
I’ve found that quick conflict resolution is best such sincerely apologizing and extending forgiveness often!
Perhaps the way to stay out of the doghouse is to create a relationship where a doghouse doesn’t exist. Who needs a performance based relationship that precludes being real and intimate with an imperfect person. Not the kind of Love I want.
I would have to agree with the other Mike. Although we do place our spouse in the dog house, so to speak. My wife and I give each other the silent treatment when we are upset, a form of the dog house. We notice that we are doing this so we give each other some time before the other ask. What is wrong? or Can we talk about it now? A perfect world would have perfect people but we are all imperfect people, sinner, so we must deal with each other with that in mind. God gives us grace and mercy but we are so slow to dish it out to other, especially our spouse!
God Bless you Les and Leslie for what you do.
As my husband’s default is to go quiet, I pay attention to that (and try not to be fearful, as my mentally ill ex-husband used silence to punish me- sometimes for weeks at a time). Since I have also learned that my dear husband needs time to process his thoughts and feelings, I work to respect that and spend more time praying that God will give me wisdom and make me a wife who glorifies Him in all I do.
Then, I ask my husband if anything is bothering him. He usually does share some small comment that I made that he’s been thinking on and feeling badly about. When he does, I am so relieved that I can apologize for or clarify the offensive words!
When I have been unhappy with him, I also do more praying for wisdom and then, when God takes His hand off of my mouth (as I ask Him to hold it there until the time is right to speak the words that He gives me), I share with him what I am feeling and ask if we can come up with a better way to handle it in the future.
I have been so blessed to learn the hard lessons I learned in the past, that make me appreciate my husband and our closeness after every rough spot even more!
I bought my wife a stand mixer for our 5th anniversary, a dishwasher on another. I was cautious because I had heard the rule of thumb, “Never get her something with an electrical plug on it.” She has a Home Economics teaching degree. She had hinted a desire for these things. That’s in my favor. Still, it’s not very romantic.
When you present a woman with a “Surprise” gift, she has the tendency to think it must be the most perfect expression of your love for her. She doesn’t know what that would be but surely it will knock her off her feet with gooey romance. Nothing can touch that expectation. Imagine if I thumped a gift wrapped stand mixer down in the living room. Trying to imagine what this is, she might think, “Well it can be pearls. This thing must weigh 30 lbs.”
I told her (condensed version), I wanted to get her and us, since we share this anniversary, something we would never get for purely practical reasons. Something better than what would just do the job. Then in a couple of days set a date to go shopping for a mixer like she had been hinting but knew we couldn’t afford. Forty years later the mixer only runs if you work it just right but we don’t want to throw it away because it is a symbol of how much we loved each other back then and now of course, today.
–meant to say “It can’t be pearls”.—
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