Just as damaging as a madman shooting a deadly weapon
is someone who lies to a friend and then says, “I was only joking.”
Proverbs 26:18-19
Leslie and I were in the middle of a joint project and had just resolved a small tiff about me being more patient with her differing work style. She is process-oriented, relational and unruffled, while I am far more task-oriented, sequential and time-conscious in tackling a project.
And because I push myself hard most of the time, I can, admittedly, push others (including my wife) and become irritatingly impatient.
Well, as I said, we had just resolved this squabble, or so we thought, when only a few minutes later the following words tumbled out of my mouth: “Can’t you pick up the pace a little here, we’re never going to meet our deadline at this rate?”
Leslie looked at me in sheer amazement, made a quick study of my facial expression, determined that I was serious, and burst into tears.
I would have done anything to rewind the clock thirty seconds at that point, but it was too late. I winced, but I could not deny that my true feelings had seeped out and I could do little to retract them. Or could I?
In a vain attempt to do just that, I resorted to a knee-jerk response invented for just such an occasion. With as much sincerity as I could muster, I uttered the infamous: “I was only joking!”
A joke is a very serious thing.
–Winston Churchill
Ya, right. Leslie and I both knew I wasn’t joking. It’s one of the oldest tricks in the book. Literally. Solomon must have used it, or heard it used plenty to have written this Proverb (26:18-19): Like a madman shooting firebrands or deadly arrows is a man who deceives his neighbor and says, “I was only joking!”
Somehow, if we can convince another person that a harmful statement was said as a joke, we believe we’ll be off the hook. But this is just another sneaking way of avoiding responsibility.
When we cover over a hurtful remark with the “I-was-only-joking” line, it does nothing but add insult to injury in the relationship. It is like shooting deadly arrows.
Reflect and Respond
How do you use humor in your marriage?
Go ahead, tell us in the comments.
Related Resource
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Not a day goes by that we don’t laugh WITH each other, but never at our own expense. Being playful makes us feel young and still on our honeymoon after 14 years! Our love is exciting because of it. We have committed since the beginning to look to God for all our answers when we step out of sorts. We never fight. We only ask God to show us if it is ourself that caused the uncomfortable mess between us for that moment or our spouse and to please show us!
Amen to that. Its been a great part of my 30 wonderful years of marriage.
Wow! Very impressive, Linda. Way to go!
People needs to learn how to make fun of themselves. It makes marriage so much more easy. As Les found out, you must be savvy as to when to be funny.
For sure, for sure, Mike. Making a bit of fun of ourselves goes a long way to ease tension and bring laughter into a marriage. Thanks.
This doesn’t fall under the category of “Great Immutable Truths for $1,000, Alex” but I learned fairly early in my marriage that the ribbing and joshing that works well with my golf buddies doesn’t go over as well with my darling bride. Imagine that?
I (Les) hear you, brother. I think it takes most of us husbands a bit to learn this truth. 🙂
I define “integrity” as “the courage to do the right thing.” The Coward in us resorts to “I was only joking” when we are afraid of apologizing. The Courage in us resorts to apology.
For sure. Great point, Paul. Thanks.
Sometimes we exaggerate a situation so that we can enjoy that moment of comic relief which helps us gain some perspective. A children’s book we continue to harken back to is “A Single Speckled Egg” by Sonia Levitin.
Awesome! We’ll have to check out A Single Speckled Egg, Ginny. Thanks for sharing this.
We make sure we laugh together everyday and try to see the better side of most situations! Laughter is good for the soul. We try hard to not joke about things that may hurt the other’s feelings; however, we are still working on this and this post was a helpful reminder. Thank you for these words of wisdom!
Zina: Thanks so much. Glad you found it helpful.
My wife, Nena, and I are directors of our church’s mentoring program. We also co-facilitate one of our church’s marriage classes with the couple that established the program. We have been married for 30 years. It is on the basis of these credentials that we routinely boldly proclaim to our rotating class members, “We are experts on communication – experts because we’ve made all the mistakes you can make.”
Following this proclamation, we usually provide them one of the plentiful examples of our “expertise”. One of my favorite vignettes deals with how humor helped us get “back on track” during an argument (as usual, neither one of us remembers what the argument was about).
Every now and then, in order to make my point, I find it necessary to get a little louder (not surprisingly, Nena thinks it happens more often than I do). Anyway, this is not just a source of emotional irritation to her, but since she wears hearing aids, it can also be physically irritating.
I guess one day she had finally “had it”, so as I reached the “decibel threshold”, she gave me a stern stare down, put both index fingers in her ears, and with a flare made two twisting motions with them. I was dumbfounded and asked, “Did you just turn me off?” We both burst into laughter.
That’s hilarious, Juan. And how cool that you two are marriage mentors in our church. I bet your marriage class is very fun. So cool!
I’ve checked three translations and can’t find where Proverbs 16:18-19 talks about ‘just joking’. Could it be that be from different verses? If not, please explain it to me. Thank you.
We were off by a digit. Here’s the correct reference: Proverbs 26:18-19. Sorry about that. So glad you asked.
Yeah, I try to tell my wife jokes that I appreciate and hoped that she would appreciate, too. They’re not dirty jokes and most of them are not dumb jokes, but she keeps on ridiculing me by saying she’s heard that one before, even when she hasn’t. But then, she doesn’t like my singing either.
Ouch. Sounds like it may be time for a different approach, Bill.
I have to be so careful with this. I try to use humor to deflect from being in any uncomfortable setting. We’ve agreed that when my wife really needs to she can say; “I need to talk (or work with you on this) no jokes please.” To which I’m allowed to make one joke, and then we get down to business. Setting up these kinds of boundaries have worked wonders for us. When the warning for “no humor” isn’t given; I’m free to joke if need be….but of course, within reason.
Wow. Sounds like you two have it down to a science, Eric. And it’s working! Awesome.
Wow Les, you hit me right between the eyes this time !! I needed that !
Ha! Thanks, Ted.
Hello there,
This was an awesome point and I enjoy getting these email’s often it gives me wonderful reminders to stay aware of doing my part to keep our marriage alive. We have recently gone through one of the worst experiences yet in our 3 year marriage; we miscarried our first baby May 28, 2014 and had to under go a D&C surgery to remove our child May 30th. I’m sure common for most to experience but this has shaken our faith and us individually and together as one. But by the grace of God yesterday night was the first time we laughed and enjoyed each other’s company ironically after a disagreement. We have a yorkie that has this distinct under-bite and his bottom lip is always lowered making a bottom-teethed smile at you. So when he greets us on the couch he jumps on our chests waging his nubbie tail and giving this bottom-teethed smile at us. So we actually do this to one another when we upset each other to make each other smile and laugh. I’m smiling and laughing now just thinking about it. Thanks for listening and giving us tools to stay alive.
God Bless
Love,
Kristina