Say only what helps, each word a gift.
Ephesians 4:29
Everyone lives by a set of rules that is rarely spoken but always known. Needless to say, unspoken rules become more vocal when our spouse “breaks” them.
This became painfully obvious to us when we visited our families for the first time as a married couple.
One Christmas, we flew from Los Angeles to Chicago to be with our families for the holidays. The first night was at my (Leslie’s) house.
As was my family’s custom, I woke up early in the morning to squeeze in every possible minute with my family. Les, on the other hand, slept in.
I interpreted Les’s sleeping as avoidance and rejection and felt he did not value time with my family.
“It’s embarrassing to me,” I told Les. “Everyone is up and eating in the kitchen. Don’t you want to be with us?”
Les, on the other hand, didn’t understand my intensity. “What did I do? I’m just catching up from jet lag. I’ll come down after my shower,” he said.
As I found out later, Les expected a slower, easier pace during the holidays, because that’s the way it was at his house.
In this incident, Les had broken a rule he didn’t know existed, and I discovered a rule I had never put into words. Both of us felt misunderstood and frustrated.
We both had our own ideas about what was acceptable, and it never occurred to either of us that our expectations would be so different. Each of us became irritated by the other’s unspoken expectations and frustrated that the other did not live by the same rules.
Since that first Christmas we have learned to discuss our secret expectations and make our silent rules known. We have also helped the couples we counsel to become more aware of their own unspoken rules, to keep little problems from becoming big ones.
Reflect and Respond
Based on the home you grew up in, what unspoken rules do you hold about how Christmas should be celebrated? How do they “rules” impact your partner?
Go ahead, tell us in the comments.
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Thank you for what you’re doing! Mary and I have been married 48 years, and the unspoken expectations thing still sneaks up and bites us. Your article caused me to ask myself what kind of stuff we still need to talk about . . . but, of course, perhaps they still have to be discovered . . . oh bother. 🙂
Probably “rules about gift giving” remain a challenge. In my family gifts were given as more of a secret Santa or Yankee swap. Bob’s family opened every gift in turns in front of everyone else.
This makes so much sense. I wish I would have known about unspoken rules at the beginning of my marriage. My husband and I are separated after 13 years of marriage. We have 3 awesome kids. My husband left because he felt I did not love his family. So much anger and frustration on his part and so much sadness on mine that I just gave up.
Now , I’m trying to focus on my children , praying for healing for all of us and learn as much as I can about what God says.
It took us several years before we talked about the unspoken rules and since the families all live within 2 hours of each other we were spreading ourselves pretty thin. My family wants to get up, do stockings (yes, even as adults we still do stockings, which I believe was another rule), eat breakfast and then rip through presents & visit. His wants to do everything in the afternoon. This left no time for us (he & I) to enjoy our Christmas together, just the 2 of us. After several years of frustration, hurt feelings on all sides and nobody willing to budge on traditions he & I decided we’d have to be the ones to change. He & I have a nice quiet Christmas Eve with just the 2 of us. We get to enjoy our time together, enjoy our gifts & reflect on what Christmas is all about. Christmas Day is still somewhat chaotic but over the years we’ve gotten the families to change, slightly. Christ still seems to get lost at the family gathers but we’re praying that will change too.
My first Christmas with hubby’s family was a bit of a shock! They do their gathering on Christmas Eve and the kids/grandkids are handed out their gifts and just start ripping in to them. In my family, we take turns and enjoy each one as a group.
I’d say there are not a lot of unwritten rules, but there sure are lots of differences that took some getting used to.
My hubby tends to leave the table when he is done eating. At holidays and on a daily basis. That is how his family has always done it- no music, no visiting. Just eat, thank the cook, and leave, taking your dish to the sink. When we are with my family for a birthday or holiday, we linger at the table and talk, so they have been offended a time or two when he gets up and goes to the living room to watch TV. We all love him, so we have been migrating out there sooner, to be together.
Firstly, I hav never been married and I’m a muslim so we don’t celebrate christmas, but we do hav Eid which is a similar celebration. It’s been 5 years that I’m living in USA but before that, I was in my home country, Pakistan. No matter how much my parents like each other, but they had to be involved in a fight during Eid days. My father used to work for a national airline and I’d personally feel good if he’s traveling during the Eid as part of his duty. Because if he would be home during Eid, he has to create his rules which were randomly made by his mother. My grandmother is the most dominating woman I hav ever seen. She has 7 kids but the eldest 2 have been brainwashed terribly by her. Unfortunately, my father is the oldest one. The rest of them totally ignore her.
So yes, I hav hardly seen my parents happy on Eid which is considered as a happy festival, And all credit goes to my grandma. I think I became mature really late or maybe I was discouraged and criticized by the entire family so much that my confidence was completely shattered and my personality almost ruined. At times I feel that I can’t do anything and I’m nothing but a burden for my family.
Going back to the discussion, I’d like to mention that I had seen my dad making unspoken rules on his wife (our mother), or maybe I should call the rules imposed by my grandmother. I remember she used to make an issue on every eid that the family get together during the main festival will be at our place instead of my grandmother’s place. And my grandma would be the incharge whereas my mom would be doing the cooking and taking care of the guests. Though Pakistan is a country where you could easily find assistants to help in household chores. But our house was one of those where it was really hard to find an assistant. And that credit goes to my grandma.
So basically there were unspoken rules imposed by my dominating grandmother and hypocrites uncles & aunts!