Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13
The Rev. Bowen was struck with an inspired idea while taking a shower.
He was tired of hearing the parishioners at his Kansas City church complain about everything from the choice of hymns at the Sunday service to the informal dress code at the church’s Saturday night worship.
So, he asked his flock to take a pledge: vowing not to complain, criticize, gossip or using sarcasm for 21 days.
People who join his cause are issued little purple bracelets as a reminder of their pledge to quit complaining. If they catch themselves complaining, they’re supposed to take off the bracelet, switch it to the opposite wrist and start counting the days from scratch.
It is only imperfection that complains of what is imperfect. The more perfect we are, the more gentle and quiet we become towards the defects of others. –Joseph Addison
Pretty good idea, huh?
After all, who wouldn’t like to eliminate complaining – especially from your own marriage?
Well, a little known secret among marriage specialists is the fact that complaining is actually good for your marriage.
You read that right!
It’s good for your marriage. Research at the University of Washington has shown that complaining, at a moderate level, helps couples air their grievances and keep improving.
What isn’t helpful to a marriage is criticism.
So what’s the difference between criticism and complaining? Criticism almost always begins with you (“You always make us late!”). Whereas complaining almost always begins with I (“I feel so frustrated when we are late to something that matters to me”).
This may seem like a small matter of semantics, but it makes a big difference in your marriage.
Reflect and Respond
Do you have a reoccurring criticism you tend to make (beginning with “you”) that you can convert into a complaint (beginning with “I”)?
Go ahead, tell us in the comments.
Related Resource
Every couple fights. In fact, successful couples disagree just as much as couples who don’t go the distance. But a mountain of research shows what separates happy from not-so-happy marriages: they know how to resolve conflict. Happy couples have learned how to use disagreement to deepen their connection.
I feel alone because he doesn’t talk to me unless he wants sex
I feel cheap & dirty when he grabs my crotch or breast or makes crude vulgar comments
I feel cheap because he doesn’t do anything for me without an ulterior motive (sex)
I feel cheap because he bought me a dishwasher so I’d have more time for him
I feel embarrassed when he parades around the house with no clothes on and fondles himself in front of me
I feel depressed thinking of another day in this indentured servitude
I feel frightened when he intimidates me by raising his voice so I can’t express any of this to him
I feel I’m married to an emotionally abusive & controlling person with a sex addiction because that’s all he thinks about
Dear Sister Linda,
I am praying for you. Many of your “I feel” statements could have been mine, 4 years ago. For 20 years, I suffered in silence, thinking that since I had married him, I was obligated to make the best of it and cried out to God so many times to save me! The suffering drew me closer to our sweet Savior as my only hope and, in time, He freed me.
I learned that I did not break my very broken husband and I could not fix him. What I could do was give my marriage to God and He would direct my path. He directed it out, when He had given me strength and wisdom enough to go.
Please know that you are not alone. Abuse thrives in silence. Tell someone you trust. Talk with a Christian counselor. Know that God sees everything and knows how your precious heart is hurting.
Big hugs and so many prayers,
Jenn
After my 20 years with an abusive, pornography-addicted, alcohol and drug-addicted spouse, God spoke freedom to me. All I wanted was to get out alive and to just be who He made me to be, which was not acceptable to my ex-husband. Also not acceptable was any verbalizing of my feelings, especially about the pain he inflicted on me over the years with his harsh words and worse.
In my new life, with the blessing of a kind and loving, Godly husband, I still struggle to share any “complaints,” even in a constructive way. It is an internal struggle, based on the echo of fear that it’s not okay for me to voice my thoughts and feelings. I pray that God will help it to really sink in that this openness is safe now.
God bless your ministry, Les and Leslie!
Jenn: Thank you for your encouragement I truly appreciate it. I have been to lots of counselors & psychologists Christian none Christian with & without my husband. I’m 56, unemployed & worn out. Still looking for a genuine (not perfect) home church in Buffalo N.Y. I’ve seen it all the gossip, politics, wandering eyes of professing Christians it’s heartbreaking.
waiting for God to move
It is heartbreaking, the condition of the church. Keep your eyes on Jesus and listen for His voice. I’ll be praying for you!
Regarding the above devotional, Paul instructs us to “do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life, so that I may rejoice in the day of Christ that I have not run in vain or labored in vain.” (Philippians 2:14-16) Therefore, on the surface, the above advice seems to be in direct opposition to God’s Word. However, if I read the HEART of what is being said above, this is a matter of definition of words. We are not to be critical, condemning (Luke 6:36-38), or complaining, but we ARE to “speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15), “…edify one another…” (Romans 14:19) repent of our wrong doing (Ezekiel 18:30), and forgive one another “…as God in Christ Jesus has forgiven us” (Ephesians 4:32). There is a right way and many wrong ways to address a problem between husband and wife. Like you have pointed out above, HOW we say things that need to be said can make the difference between destruction of a relationship and the edification of a relationship. Thank you for pointing that out.
For Linda, I would like to assure her that the Bible clearly shows that God hates violence/abuse in a marriage (Malachi 2:13-16). I agree in prayer with Jenn and her words and am trusting the Lord to show Linda His way through the circumstances she finds herself in (I Corinthians 10:13) and to do His redemptive work in her life and her husband’s life. IN JESUS CHRIST’S NAME, AMEN!
“You” don’t do anything to improve our marriage or to be a better husband to me. So what good will it do for me to continue learning about being a good wife and how to have a good marriage, if I am in this “partnership” alone?
INSTEAD>>>
“I” should do MY part in improving our marriage. I will continue to work on becoming a better wife and to learn what makes a marriage better. Yes, this is a partnership, but I am only responsible for my half. Perhaps, with continued prayer, you will see how much you mean to me, b/c I DO continue to work on myself in our relationship. I continue to believe and trust that GOD allowed us to get married despite so many things that could have been obstacles, b/c HE KNOWS the potential we have to be/become a happily married couple who can grow together and build one another up enough to make a difference in this world by helping others through the “power” that will come from our joined GOD given gifts and abilities. I only want you to work on being the BEST person you can be…the special man and husband…that GOD had me wait 32 years to find. I want US to be happy together. I want us to enjoy the full blessings of marriage and GOD’S Blessings on our lives as individuals and as life-long friends as we continue on the journey we began nearly 24 years ago: A LOVE FOR A LIFETIME!!!!
I complain about how much Bridge my husband plays and pays for each week. That adds up to a goodly sum by the end of the month. He complains that I spend too much money on hobby related items. These are items that bring in no income and we do not eat, wear or improve our home.
So I will change my comments to “I would really like your company more often. Do you think we could have some date times?”
Comment to the other Linda: You are getting sympathetic responses. Mine isn’t so soft. I also was in a strained relationship. I didn’t make it easy on my husband. He worked hard and eventually didn’t want to come home. I didn’t realize that I had made home uncomfortable for him. But, I wasn’t physically abusive. If telling your husband straight out how unhappy you are doesn’t work, why are you still in that relationship? Surely one of your many counselors told you how and what to do to extricate yourself! If you want to stay in the marriage, get strong! You’ll have to be strong in your faith, self-confidence, self-reliance, and motivation. You know there is help; go get it! Pray, pray, and let God lead you. Many blessings, Sister!