Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
Ephesians 2:29
Did you know that how you talk about each other to your friends and family and even strangers can predict your success as a couple?
That’s what researchers at the University of Washington in Seattle report. A ten-year study followed 95 couples beginning six months into their marriages.
The initial hour-long interview together probed their relationship, their parents’ union and their philosophy of marriage.
More than what was actually said, researchers noted whether they expressed fondness and admiration for their partner, if they talked about themselves as a unit, if they finished each other’s sentences, referenced each other when they told a story, and whether what came to mind was pleasant.
Turns out that couples characterized by these ways of talking about one another and their relationship are far more likely to enjoy life-long love.
In fact, with this information alone, researchers can predict with 87% accuracy whether a couple will end up divorcing.
Forgive me my nonsense, as I also forgive the nonsense of those that think they talk sense. –Robert Frost
Think about that.
How you talk to others about your spouse and your relationship is a huge indicator of the state of your union. Even within just the first six months of marriage, the signs become pretty clear.
The authors of the study found that couples who endure talk to others about their spouse as if they are wearing “rose-colored glasses.” Those who will divorce talk to others about their spouse with cynicism.
How can this be?
It comes down to how our attitudes shape the way we view your spouse. If you give public praise to others about your spouse, you will inevitably look more favorably upon him or her yourself. You will discover a deeper appreciation for your partner than you had before. In fact, the more opportunities you find to talk positively about your partner when he or she isn’t present, the more likely you are to increase your loving attitudes and behaviors toward him or her.
In other words, what you say about your spouse, for good or ill, shapes the way you think, feel, and act in your marriage.
Reflect and Respond
As you review the past 48 hours, how would you characterize the way you talk to others about your spouse or your marriage?
Go ahead, tell us in the comments.
Related Resource
Making Happy explores the science, the art, and the practice of happiness in marriage. Drawing from real-life examples, this book offers insights into how your brain and relationship affect each other as you make happiness in your marriage a conscious, delightful habit.
I am undoubtedly guilty of this, although at 6 months that was certainly not the case. After nearly 24 years of broken promises and multiple addictions, I have grown weary, frustrated and just don’t have the energy to find positive things to say about my spouse… I put on a fake face, except with my very closest friends, but positive words cannot undo the deep hurt in our relationship.
Question to Dr’s Leslie and Leslie, wondering how much cause and effect there is… eg. In TC’s case above, would the negative talk cause/lead to greater chance of marital separation or is the result of other factors? THanks and blessings
This is something I have been thinking about a lot lately. My marriage of almost ten years is in a very rocky place. I am confident that God can move mountains, but I never expected that one of those mountains would be my husband. I too am guilty of this, and I know I need to change.I fear my cynicism is a result of my hurting heart and great desire for healing in our marriage as well as his evident lack of wanting to do or try anything. I am left with only praying that God will take his heart of stone (and mine) and replace it with His heart of flesh.I would appreciate any prayers peo people are willing to offer up.
I have always thought that it was disloyal to say negative things about my spouse to others. (Which does not mean that I never did it…) After 28 years of marriage we attended a Lutheran Marriage Encounter weekend. It did so much to improve our communication and understanding of each other that we became presenters for 25 years. We have now been married for 58 years and are very old, but feel blessed in our union. Our encountered marriage group also uses your books from time to time in our monthly meetings. We know that we either keep growing or we slide backward! We appreciate what you two do to strengthen marriages!
I am so happy and blessed that I almost always say positive things about my husband. My mom is my best friend, other than Jesus and Hubby, so I talk with her a little about issues like communication and parenting, but only because she is a Godly mama, who prays with me and encourages me to seek God’s direction.
Praying for the folks who are having trouble! My first marriage was miserable and I was too fearful to speak the truth about it/him, which kept me in that dark place for too long. Praise God- He knew and He kept me safe until He grew me strong and wise enough to leave!
My wife is a perfectionist but over the years we have discovered that being right is not nearly as important as acting out of love. Recently we were in a class at church I was asked how long we had been married and I incorrectly stated 37 years. My wife said nothing till later, when we were alone, and gently reminded me that it was 38 years. If that was not love, I don’t know what love is. Building each other up is way more fulfilling and fun than tearing each other down.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I wonder how much money was spend on a ten year study of 95 couples. If we’re talking negative about, or even to, one another I give the marriage less then a year, there is no respect there!
This in not rocket science folks! I would think if I’m bad mouthing my partner in any way, either he is one messed up dude, or I am! People in love and that love themselves don’t knock others.
Having said that I was one that did just that, until I realized that I WAS THE PROBLEM.! With much work and my awesome husband standing beside me I came to realize that he wasn’t trying to drive me crazy; I was already crazy. That was over thirty years ago, and we are still standing!! As a matter-of-fact, we work with couples today and we come from a place of brokenness. Who better can lead you out of darkness then someone that has been there?. We are now working on our fifty-second year of marriage, and it’s pretty amazing! Did I mention that God has to be the mainstay in this union?
i am praising God for you both Drs! I am very negative about my husband. Married just two years, I am disappointed by many things and have allowed it to be my focus. I am wrong and thank you for your truth in sharing. I am praying to be more loving and accepting. My husband is awesome, when I choose to see it.
[…] Did you know that how you talk about each other to your friends and family and even strangers can pr… Les and Leslie Parrot offer a surprising predictor of marriage success. […]
I think this is a case of the hen and the chicken, which one of them came first? Association isn’t causation. Is talking negatively about one’s spouse the cause of the divorce or is it as a result of something else that is causing the divorce? In the latter, changing how one talks about their spouse will ‘hide’ the so-called prediction of divorce, but sadly, only changing the true cause will halt the process.
I guess the real question is, if someone talks negatively about their spouse, what is the reason? And how can it be dealt with? Just changing the words on the outside may not be enough.