Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
Ephesians 4:29
Did you know that how you talk about each other to your friends and family can predict your success as a couple?
A ten-year study at the University of Washington followed 95 couples beginning six months into their marriages. The initial hour-long interview together probed their relationship, their parents’ union and their philosophy of marriage.
More than what was actually said, researchers noted …
- whether they expressed fondness and admiration for their partner,
- if they talked about themselves as a unit,
- if they finished each other’s sentences,
- referenced each other when they told a story,
- and whether what came to mind was pleasant.
Turns out that couples characterized by these ways of talking about one another and their relationship are far more likely to enjoy life-long love.
In fact, with this information alone, researchers can predict with 87% accuracy whether a couple will end up divorcing.
Think about that.
How you talk to others about your spouse and your relationship is a huge indicator of the state of your union. Even within just the first six months of marriage, the signs become pretty clear.
“Forgive me my nonsense, as I also forgive the nonsense of those that think they talk sense.”
Robert Frost
The authors of the study found that couples who endure talk to others about their spouse as if they are wearing “rose-colored glasses.” Those who will eventually divorce talk to others about their spouse with cynicism.
How can this be?
It comes down to how our attitudes shape the way we view your spouse. If you give public praise to others about your spouse, you will inevitably look more favorably upon him or her yourself.
You will discover a deeper appreciation for your partner than you had before.
In fact, the more opportunities you find to talk positively about your partner when he or she isn’t present, the more likely you are to increase your loving attitudes and behaviors toward him or her. In other words, what you say about your spouse, for good or ill, shapes the way you think, feel, and act in your marriage.
Reflect and Respond
What grade would you give yourself when it comes to how you talk about your spouse to friends and family, and why?
Go ahead, tell us in the comments.
Related Resource
Your Time-Starved Marriage gives you tools to feed your time-starved relationship, maximizing the moments you have together and enjoying them more than you ever imagined.
I find through observation and experience that this is so true. Good insight!!!
I would give myself an A- in this area. I think I do a pretty good job of speaking well of spouse to others (I think people may get tired of me talking about him) lol. I’m completely in love with him but I’m also aware that there is always room for improvement. And we try to set a good example for our marriage ministry & the world.
Thank you for posting this! I promised myself early on in my marriage to never criticize my husband or talk badly about him to others. Growing up, I witnessed my parents tear each other down in front of other family members. It did nothing to cultivate happiness or peace in their lives so I vowed to be different. Even if my husband irritates me from time to time 🙂 I still speak of him respectfully in front of others.
Thank you for this helpful information! Reminds me of the saying, “Attitude determines ‘Altitude'”.
I deserve an F, flunked marriage after 25 years………..as my wife and I are separated and seriously considering divorce.
It is true eventually I began speaking of the shortcomings and flaws of my wife………..as earlier in our marriage I would praise her to people about how strong of a Christian Woman she is… intimacy breeds contempt as my mother used to say. Too bad I took my Mom’s lesson to heart ; given the chance to reconcile with my wife I will never speak ill of her or ill to her again if I can keep control of my mind and tongue…..so help me GOD.
Jimmy: Before you end it, ask your wife this: “If I were to step up and assume a servant-leadership role in our home, would we still need to divorce?” Most wives I talk to just want a leader st home that they can trust, rely upon, respect and submit to. Your wife may be like they. If she is, then all you have to do is step up and she will fall in line and the Ephesians 5 marriage will be yours.
Paul sends…
Yes, but what if they get help? I have been counseling couples since 2005 that would have failed the long-lasting marriage test. Yet, if the husband steps up and assumes a servant-leadership role in the home, all of a sudden their problems go away, and their prediction for divorce changes.
Thanks for the reminder to speak well to my wife. She is amazing. Need to make sure she knows it.
This is an excellent article. Really appreciate the insight into the power of our words & attitudes toward our spouse.
In public, I would give myself an A. At home, I’d have to give myself a B+. I’m really working on being the same at both places.
This article makes me wonder, which came first, the chicken or the egg? In this case, is it the nice talking that comes first and influences how you feel, or is it an already-good relationship that’s present and the natural outflow is the positive talk?
I believe that my wonderful husband is my covering so I do the same to him, I cover. I never have a negative word to say about him to anyone. Does this mean that we don’t have issues, no! We have issues, but what makes us strong is the perseverance and motivation to work through them. My husband is my best friend, only second to God! I cherish him, I appreciate it, and I honor him as the love of my life that God blessed me with.
My wife and I teach Marriage Classes in Sunday School. We teach on a varying array of subjects. Right now we are doing the Story of marriage by John and Lisa Bevere. I regularly get to talk about my wife. But this last week I was by myself because my wife was in Arizona visiting her mom and dad who had a stroke and I had the opportunity to answer a question asked. I was able to tell the people in class (about 16 or so) about my wife being my best friend and how we compliment each other in our marriage. I adore her and the blessing she is just being a part of my life. There is a line in a song I am fond of that states it best “How sad my life without my wife would be” is the best tribute to the lady I can make. .
I hope your definition of a successful marriage is much more than number of years. There are many toxic marriages that last until one of the spouses dies so it really bothers me when people say this marriage last 35 years so it was great.
I think is is better to consider a marriage successful if it helps everyone in the family achieve more of their potential. That would include the children as well as the spouses.
[…] Watch what you say […]