- Know When Control Is Good or Bad
- Recognize the Top Ten Qualities of Control Freaks
- Cope with a Coercive Colleague or a Supervising Spouse
- Relinquish Unhealthy Control
- Repair Relationships Damaged by Over-control
Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
Luke 12:25
“I am sure that when we spoke our marriage vows,” said Janet, “Bob added ‘to have and to hold as long as I’m the boss.’”
She was sitting in our office after four years of trying to stand on equal ground with her husband. According to her, Bob never lets go of the reigns. Literally.
“He would have to be in a complete body cast before he would let me drive the car,” she complains. On a few rare occasions where Janet does get behind the wheel with Bob in the car he tells her everything to do: Stop here, speed up, pass this guy.
“Then there’s the remote,” Janet said. “Need I say more,” she gracefully dismissed this easy target.
But before the end of our counseling session, Janet summed up her husband this way: “He believes he is the knower of how to do everything and, by natural right, the boss of anybody found standing in his vicinity, including me and the kids.”
Sadly, Bob is known as a Control Freak. And truth be told, over-controlling tendencies are always linked to anxiety.
It’s the result of over-amped worry. That’s why almost all of us are over controlling on occasion –whether we admit it or not.
“‘Kindly let me help you, or you will drown,’ said the monkey, putting the fish safely up in a tree.”
-Alan Watts
Isn’t a little controlling behavior healthy?, you might be asking.
Sure. Research indicates that feeling in control is vital to mental and physical health, as well as happiness at home and satisfaction at work. And even scripture urges us to be in control of our tongues (see James 3:2).
Being in control, however, can be too much of a good thing. That’s why it’s beneficial for all of us who value our relationship to take a personal inventory of our controlling ways. Here’s the key: Know where you can and can’t exert explicit influence on each other.
We know of a pastor who nearly lost his marriage because he was treating his wife like a staff member. He would order her around the home, never asking for her advice or input.
If you want to keep your controlling tendencies from getting out of control, you have to decide where you can exert your influence and where you can’t. And that usually comes down to handing over your anxieties to God.
As Luke says, “Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? Of course not!”
Reflect and Respond
When do you tend to be most over controlling with your spouse?
Go ahead, tell us in the comments.
Related Resource
Are you ready to find out if you or those around you are a control freaks? The Control Freak will provide you valuable information to help you:
Chores around the house. Yesterday my husband said to me, “if you don’t let me help you or do anything around the house, I don’t feel like I belong here.” What a terrible feeling for him to have. I never even realized that by trying to ‘do it all’ I was making him feel this way. I am so glad that he told me!
Money because my husband is a soft touch
Someone lent me your book ‘The Control Freak’ and I need to read it. Thanks for the prompt.
I tend to be controlling out of fear … not good, but God is helping me see the root cause and showing me that He is the one in control and He asks me ..Will you trust me to take care of this? Then I give it to Him and it takes a huge weight off of me (which He never wanted me to carry in the first place)
Many blessings,
Janet
In details, My husband is a maximizer and a perfectionist, always correcting. Over our fifty years I’ve learned to deal with it, mostly, I blow it off. However, When I’m in halts:(Hungry, angry, lonely, tired or sick), it tends to stick on my craw, and I don’t take it well. We have both been working on our parts of the situations. When I’m able to hear it with out taking it personally, I just look at him, smile, and say, :”In the grand scheme of things what difference does it make?” Were getting better. At least now, he owns his part in it and I’m not being so passive-aggressive.
The Christian DILEMMA is that those who are unable to add a single hour to their lives try in vain becoming God’s children by natural means of will power and decision, and messing up each other’s lives too!
Sadly, almost always. Because I am the brains & my husband is the braun, I somewhat have to be to make sure bills get paid, birthdays get remembered, Christmas gifts get purchased, etc. I would welcome it if my husband would take control sometimes, but he’s such a “go with the flow” kind of guy he doesn’t see a need to, which is probably my fault because I tend to be an enabler. I guess this needs some prayer & guidance from The Lord.