Say only what will help to build others up and meet their needs. Then what you say will help those who listen. Ephesians 4:29
The monks at a remote monastery deep in the woods followed a rigid vow of silence. Their vow could only be broken once a year—on Christmas—by one monk. That monk could speak only one sentence.
One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, “I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!” Then he sat down.
Silence ensued for 365 days.
The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn and said, “I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy, and I truly despise them!”
Once again, silence ensued for 365 days.
The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, “I am fed up with this constant bickering!”
The absurdity cuts to a truth: some couples can carry on a conflict that last nearly as long.
In our book Love Talk, we devote an entire chapter to “When Not to Talk.” It may seem a bit unorthodox that in a communication book we are telling our readers to stop talking but let’s be honest, some conversations simply don’t need to take place. They waste our time.
If you’ve been telling your husband for three years to not put his jacket on the back of the dining room chair and he’s still doing do it, or you’ve been arguing for four summers about whether or not to buy an expensive barbecue grill, it might be time to take a permanent break from the conversation.
At some point you’ve got to realize that talking is not going to provide the solution.
Marriage is one long conversation, chequered by disputes.” –Robert Louis Stevenson
The point is that if your conversations are getting you nowhere, you need to give it a rest and reclaim the time you’ve been wasting on them. Of course, in some cases, there are actions you can take that do speak louder than words.
If you’ve asked, cajoled, threatened, and analyzed your man on the subject of not hanging up his coat in the closet, and he keeps promising to do so but never does, you have some options:
A) You could decide to hang it up for him and say no more about it.
B) You could leave it there and say nothing.
C) Or you could hide his jacket each time he leaves it in an undesirable spot.
This last option is for those with a mean streak (we don’t recommend it). The only option not available to you is to keep taking about it.
The bottom line is that you need to give up the conversations you keep having over and over and over. They will grind both of you down and steal precious time from talks that could be much more meaningful.
Reflect and Respond
When do you most need to not talk in your marriage?
Go ahead, tell us in the comments.
Related Resource
The first steps to improving this single most important factor in any marriage or love relationship are to identify your fear factors and determine your personal communication styles, and then learn how the two of you can best interact. In this no-nonsense book, “psychobabble” is translated into easy-to-understand language that clearly teaches you what you need to do – and not do – for speaking each other’s language like you never have before.
Hurtful words, things you wish you could take back, things said in jest, if you don’t have all the facts, if tempers are flaring, you tired, frustrated or overwhelmed step back & go for a walk. There are times I should have done just that. If your frustrated with something or someone else don’t take it out on your spouse. Please & thank you are great words.
Oh by the way that includes texting & e-mail
In my mind I have been preparing a letter (email) because talking has gotten us no where. My conversation has happened many times…and I thought one more “go-around” may do the trick but when I opened my email this morning I saw this article…chance??? I do believe the Holy Spirit is wanting me to let Him do the work. I won’t be sending my “letter”.
I sometimes work at home or near home. My time not to talk can be summed up to “no leftovers.” When there is a difficult situation at work, I need some time, often as little as 3 minutes of meditation to clear my head and attitude of a work issue or call so that I don’t bring leftover emotions or energy from that into my next interaction or conversation ,The next person I speak with has naught to do with the last issue and interaction. This is especially true if that person is my wife.
Thanks you for this week’s lesson and reminder.
My wife and I just celebrated our 23rd wedding anniversary. She is the most amazing woman I have ever met. This year was the best Anniversary present I have ever received from her, a card. For most of our marriage she has stayed with a man who didn’t deserve it. I can’t say if she had done the things I have done to her I would be here. Last year nothing from her on our anniversary. I have been saved and I have learned not to say anything while she was talking about what I have put her through. At the end, I would tell her she is right, how sorry I am, and I never will be that person again. So I have learned not to say anything while she is venting, especially about me, and calmly let her know I understand how she feels and I’m there if she needs me.
Thanks
David
There are the obvious moments especially when you have been hurt but those do have to vocallized at the correct time. For me one of the best lessons I have learned has been on the golf course. When my wife (who is a very good golfer) continues to make the same mistake I have learned to simple ask, Now or Later. She will let me know when she wants my advice. This works in work discussions also. I ask do you want me to just listen or do you want me to suggest what I might do.
These have workd very well over our 20 year marriage. It did take me some tme to learn them though.
We have learned not to discuss controversial subjects, situations that will require a decision, or a topic that causes us to vent emotions late at night. We are tired and a good nights rest does wonders for how the conversation is conducted the next day.
Recently I bought your book entitled “Control Freak” because my husband and I seem to battle over decorating issues in our home, especially during the holidays. This Thanksgiving it started again when he set out 6 paper fold out turkeys in the main rooms where we have guests. I had been tolerant of his control issues most of the year (and he is a 9 on every test in your book by the way) but these turkeys hit my limit so I moved them and the battle heated for days. We kept moving the poor birds back and forth numerous times. Finally as a result of reading your book I thought of a silent way to proceed. Being an artist and art teacher as well, I went to the local craft store and bought beautiful gold and colorful feathers. Then I glued them to the cheap paper turkeys my husband so loves and also attached stick on female eyes with lashes and suddenly they were “OUR” turkeys and “GIRL” turkeys to boot, worthy of sitting on the front window table. It also made for great humor at Thanksgiving when all of HIS family were visiting. He liked how I met him half way and used some comedy. This method seems to be helping us in other disagreements too.
So thank you for your book “Control Freak” (which I hope my hubby reads someday) and for your great advice in your newsletters. It has helped our marriage on many occasions! By the way, next Christmas I think we may have to start taking turns decorating .. him one year and me the next, because Christmas is when we each have the most decorations. Second marriage to a single dad has its challenges…the man has boxes and boxes of decorations and trinkets for every holiday… and the kids are long gone now. Feel free to give me more advice about territorial spouses. Thanks!
Merry Christmas,
Elsie