The LORD is my shepherd; I have everything I need. Psalm 23:1
Wouldn’t you like to provide comfort – truly abiding comfort – to each other? Truth is, you can. The key is found in focusing on what makes each of you feel emotionally safe. This is the secret to emotional connection and comfort, and here’s how it works.
Say your spouse feels most safe when he is gaining control of his time. This means that he’s going to feel most threatened when his time is being wasted. And if the two of you are trying to solve a problem together, look out. He’s going to be an aggressive problem solver. He wants to be efficient in his conversations. He wants to get to the bottom line. And when you understand that this is how he’s hard-wired, that this is how God designed him, you’ll have more understanding, grace and empathy for his bold and sometimes blunt approach.
We know this from personal experience, if not from research. Gaining control of his time makes Les feel most safe. I, on the other hand, would place time at the bottom of my emotional safety needs list. So guess what? This makes me a reflective problem-solver. I’m far more inclined to just “give it time.” I’m more accommodating than assertive. Les, however, is more decisive than docile.
So does my more passive approach and Les’s aggressive approach to problem solving impact our conversations?
Only on a daily basis!
It was the greatest source of miscommunication we ever had – until we recognized how we were hardwired differently because of our differing needs for emotional safety.
Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words. –George Eliot
Once I saw how much Les feared losing control of his time, I almost instantly had more grace and understanding of his aggressive style. And once he knew I understood how much he valued his time, he began to relax and loosen up when it came to solving problems together.
In short, it all comes down to empathy – that ability to accurately see the world from each other’s perspective. And that begins by recognizing how God made each of us uniquely.
Problem solved? Not quite. But it does make problem solving together a whole lot easier.
Reflect and Respond
How do your personalities differ when it comes to problem solving?
Go ahead, tell us in the comments.
Related Resource
Every couple fights. In fact, successful couples disagree just as much as couples who don’t go the distance. But a mountain of research shows what separates happy from not-so-happy marriages: they know how to resolve conflict. Happy couples have learned how to use disagreement to deepen their connection. With innovative, real-life ideas that work, The Good Fight will help you turn the most painful moments of your marriage into milestones that mark a deeper joy and a greater passion for each other.
I am the kind of person (woman) who needs to talk about things in order to understand and decide how I feel about them. My husband needs time to think on things before he will give an opinion. It is frustrating at times, but I always try to mention a topic for future discussion, then return to it in a few days. If he has considered it, we will have a good conversation. But if he forgot about it, he may still give me his standard response, “I don’t know.”
So if I cannot wait for him, or it’s a topic that does not directly affect him (i.e. work stuff), I know that it will be best talked out with my mom, whose mind works similarly. She and I take turns talking through things that we need to think about and then we always feel better and more decided.
It is hard, sometimes, especially when it’s a matter that needs handled sooner rather than later. My stepson has missed out on a few learning opportunities after doing something he shouldn’t have, because dear hubby doesn’t know what we should do, discipline-wise. I have spent time with my punching bag, rather than be angry at what is his natural decision-making process.
I am like Les and my husband is like Leslie and we just went through a series of indivdual and couple counseling to help us communicate better. It’s reassuring to me to hear that other couples struggle in the same sense. It’s amazing how much better our communication is now that we, as Les and Leslie put it, have empathy for each other.
I see myself in your post today, as I also am like Les. Also, I have learned that instinct plays a huge part in our different approaches to things – that “natural decision-making process” you mentioned. While my personality and emotions have changed through experience and discipline, instinct remains hard-wired from my earliest recollection. I always have needed to take time to consider all the angles and facts of a situation to get to the bottom line while my wife has always needed to fit things into her time-honored system which gives her a sense of safety and predictability. For me, safety doesn’t matter as much – as long as I got my facts straight. It’s a matter of need more than preference. Stress emerges in our relationship when we try to get one another to go against our individual God-given grain! Respecting HOW my wife and I instinctively solve problems adds value to the resolution itself. Thank you for your daily insights!
I keep praying and hoping that my husband had the ability or desire to try and understand me and calmly tackle problems or situations without anger, yelling, name calling and belittling me. He gets frustrated so quickly that problem solving doesn’t happen and we are in a fight. Usually as soon as I voice my opinion I’m yelled at. Then it escalates and I’m verbally attacked with cursing and name calling. I can’t say anything to him because he will automatically flip it back onto me. I’m so tired and frustrated with it. We can’t drive anywhere together because he almost always drives mad – mad at me for not wanting to be in a car with a road rage driver or mad at other people’s driving. He needs helps but will he not go. I go to counseling but that’s for me. So, I’m left with living with somebody I’m so tired of dealing with. I’m really burnt out!