Once in a while couples come to our counseling offices with a decision for divorce already determined. They are headed to divorce court and are just stopping by our place along the way, or so it seems. Their motivation for therapy is usually focused on how to break the news to their children and they usually explain their situation to us something like this: “We aren’t ending our marriage with a lot of hard feelings, we simply discovered that we no longer had anything in common. I guess we grew apart.”
We wince each time we hear it. It has got to be the lamest excuse possible for ending a marriage. Why? Because the way it is described, it sounds as if a divorce were inevitable—as if something in their personalities destined them to gradually separate. The truth is we all grow in the directions we choose, and if our mate’s trajectory is different from ours, it need not be the end of the relationship. It simply calls for some intentional adaptation. “Drifting apart” is an excuse for not wanting to realign our attitudes and actions with those of our partner.
An enduring marriage requires possibility thinking, elasticity, and resilience. It needs continual attention and adaptation to grow together. It requires a shift in interests as our partner’s interests shift. In other words, to remain good and strong, marriage entails a lifelong project of adjusting and readjusting our attitudes. For this is the only path to finding positive options to our most perplexing circumstances.
Take a good look at your own level of adjustability today. How would you rate your capacity to grow in areas that bring you closer to your spouse? So, are you growing together rather than apart? As this week’s verse from John says, God wants the two of you to have “a rich and satisfying life.” Talk to the Lord today about the state of your heart towards your spouse. Pray for direction and wisdom as you seek out ways that ensure you are growing together. Ask God to show you how to create a rich and satisfying life in your marriage.
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What a great devotional thought for couples. As a person whose writing has been to encourage and help those who have experienced the trauma of divorce (and the Parrotts are right, plenty of divorces ARE preventable), I think this devotional contains the seeds that can protect couples from the devastation that divorce often entails. Thanks for the devo!
Thank you, Richard, for your words of encouragement and for sharing your story! We love to see God work in the hearts of couples and turn them towards each other!
What a wonderful way to start my day. I wrote John’s verse on a sticky note and attached to my computer to remind me of this promise all day. Living out this devotional in our marriages will be such wonderful testimony to our children about God’s promises and the gift of marriage! Thanks for the devotional and keep them coming!
On a different note, we adapted the conversation starter book you wrote and used it on our road trip this summer to start great family conversations. It was a rich blessing to hear our children’s responses! God Bless!
Thank you, Ashley, for your kind words! And the sticky note is a great idea! We love to hear from you, so keep on commenting and let us know how we’re doing!
Thank you for taking the time to provide devotionals for couples. My spouse and I work together and it has been a traumatic adjusting period for us. Tips about how we can work together without tearing up our hearts and each other would be helpful indeed.
We’re so glad this is helping you and your husband, Enya. We will pray for God’s continued strength and peace!
Thank you Les and Leslie for consistent commitment to biblical truth as you address issues that are eating away the biblical foundation of marriage. You are a clear voice in the midst of so many broken marriages, calling couples to a marriage God’s way. Keep up the good work!
Rick: You are so kind to write this. We can’t say thanks enough for tuning into our messages and being so encouraging.
I am in heed of help and I am hoping that this or something else will help. My marriage seem really one sided, I am expected to be the fun captain, romancer and chief cook and sometimes bottle washer. My wife watches our 3 grandchildren, five days a week, I work a 40 hour week at a somewhat stressful job. I am finding that my wife is becoming more and more inconsiderate, selfish and will not initiated any affection, I get home sit down and talk about our days, then if I don’t get up and figure out what to cook for dinner, we buy out. She never say she will help or makes suggestions. I cannot figure out why! For example, we are going on a whole family vacation to the dunes in Florence, OR. We have a limited budget for fuel and food. Yet she will not make the Sacrifice to reschedule her $100 hair appointment. We just celebrated our 39th anniversary on August 10.
help please, I know I am probably being too submissive, but if I don’t do these thing she get mad and says hurtful things.
So sorry four your disconcerting experience in your marriage right now. Sounds like a tough season. Here’s what we can tell you: When one person makes a positive change in the relationship, it can’t help but to positively impact the other person. It’s like a mobile that hangs from the ceiling. When one little piece is touched the whole thing needs to find a new balance. Everything is adjusted. So while it feels like your wife is particularly self-consumed (for whatever reason) see if you can surprise her with something positive she doesn’t see coming. It could be little, like a heart-felt card of appreciation or something else. And take a stronger stand. Surprise her with a little date out when she’s not expecting it. Take charge in tender way. Be as mature and loving as you can when she says hurtful things (this isn’t easy, we know). The point is to surprise her with warmth and love. Why? She eventually see that she’s got to get with the program and do the same. If this attempt goes nowhere, we’d encourage a medical check up for her. After nearly 40 years of marriage this woman that you’ve loved has obviously had a change over recent time and sometimes biology can be the correctable catalyst for that. We are saying a prayer for you and your family.
YES! I totally relate to this & love your bold remark that “drifting apart” is the lamest excuse for a divorce! This is great insight on how we need to continally re-adjust since we both are unique individuals w/different growth `rates’. Thank you for this wisdom. Even after 23 yrs. of our marriage, I found that I needed to hear/read this!
Mary: We are so glad you found this helpful. Love hearing that! And congrats on 23 years of marriage! Wishing you the very best!
Thank you for the devotional and emails. I bought this devotional at a book signing and guest appearance you two did in the fall of 2011 at a church in the Kirkland/Redmond area. My husband and I were at the time separated with a 1 year old and another on the way. It was a nightmare but the separation helped us address a foundational issue. I bought your book because I was praying that God would lead our marriage through the problem and heal is and strengthen us. So far he has answered that prayer, against all logic, all chances, He is letting us be a miracle (as Sara Groves sings it). I love the quote at the top of your email about how a great friend will laugh when your not that funny and care when your problems aren’t that bad. The challenge at the end is good. I will be on the look out this week for how I can show my husband my commitment to our marriage. You folks are doing great work. Please keep it up!
You’re so welcome, Charissa! And we’re so blessed to hear your story of God’s redemption and faithfulness, and your willingness to wait on Him and be patient. May God give you both the strength to continue growing together!
What a wonderful and convicting devotional to read first thing this morning. I love the quote it began with, and what a powerful verse John 10:10 is. My husband and I will soon be married 29 years. The odds were so against us. We met in the early 80’s. I was a smoking, cussing, heavy-metal music addict who believed my goal in life was to go to hell when I died because that’s where AC/DC said all my friends would be. My husband wasn’t much better, just bad in a different way. We were both ‘raised in church’, although in different denominations. It turns out neither of our sets of parents (which would later divorce) lived out the Christian faith at home in front of us, which made both of us view Christians as basically hypocrites and we were not interested. We married at 18. God’s glorious salvation was received around our 30’s. Since our marriage had suffered, yet survived, adultery, abuse, and drug/alcohol addiction, it was welcomed and we were interested then. He is the Great Physician. He changes hearts. As I took the focus off myself and allowed Him to change my heart, the more He worked on my husband’s heart. I cannot express my joy of how thankful I am to know Him now instead of how I/we would have turned out had we remained on Satan’s path of destruction. Because of the Lord, I can appreciate the beginning quote and validate the truth of John 10:10. Thank you so much for your work to help couples in this terrible day in which we live when it comes to Christian values and truths.
Christy: You have no idea how encouraged we are by your testimony. Wow! You two have an amazing story. And we are so glad our little devotional was of some help to you. We LOVE hearing that. Also, your story and your near-3-decade-marriage makes us think you might be prime candidates to become certified Marriage Mentors. If you don’t know about this ministry we started many years ago, you can learn all about it at http://www.MarriageMentoring.com. There are couples out there right now where you two were years ago and they’re trying to survive. If and when the time is right for you to explore this, we have a hunch your story of endurance, healing and revolution could instantly give these couples hope. Regardless, we sure appreciate you taking the time to tell us a bit of your journey. We said a prayer for you two. We hope to hear form you some more down the road. Wishing you every good thing God has to give.
Thanks for this. Looking forward to reading more C2C after reading this one. Especially like encouragement to bring the lesson to an action in a specific way at the end. My wife and I use your “Daily” check-in regularly ( though not daily as of yet).
We’re so glad to hear that these devotionals are having a real positive impact on your marriage! Please continue to provide your feedback, as we’re always looking for ways to improve!
As we are looking to send our first child out in to the world this week this is something my wife and I have been thinking about over the last couple of months. We will only have one teenager left and home, which is starting to develop her own life and schedule. We are starting to get time back to ourselves that we haven’t had in 18 years. After attending a speaking event of Les and Leslie’s several years ago we have been very focused on making sure that we don’t “drift” in different directions because of business and schedule. As I read this I see that even though we have been committed to this there are still many things I can do to help adjust my path to make sure it continues to be in line with my wife’s. Thank you both for this great reminder!
Hello, Andy – Thank you for your kind words. We’re so glad to hear that you’ve been working these past few years on staying together. You’re well on your way to a happy ’empty nest’!
Dear Les and Leslie, My wife and I have a great marriage, we have been together since 1986, we have 5 amazing kids and we’re a wonderful family. we are partners and see eye to eye on every topic except I am a seeker and she is happy with the status quo. I found a new ” church” and she hates change. I am not asking her to change though. we are both still Christian but I feel as though Christianity needs to have a more central active role in my daily life and basically she just doesn’t feel that way. she feels Christ loves her and died for her and that’s enough. Basically she’s right BUT we still do have a major rift in our relationship because off this.
Thanks in advance for your help, advice and any input. sincerest regards, Frank