Common sense and success belong to me. Insight and strength are mine. Proverbs 8:14
A study in corporate America has something to teach couples.
It compared executives who floundered and those who succeeded. Both groups had weaknesses, of course, but the critical difference was that those who did not succeed failed to learn from their mistakes and accurately assess and accept their shortcomings.
The unsuccessful executives ignored their faults, often rebuffing those who tried to point them out.
In a similar study of several hundred managers from twelve different organizations, researchers found that “accuracy in self-assessment was a hallmark of superior performance.” It’s not that top performers have no limits, but “they are aware of their limits.”
“Accuracy is the twin brother of honesty.”
-Nathaniel Hawthorne
So what’s the lesson for couples?
It’s this: When a couple lacks an accurate assessment of their problems, they never find the capacity to transcend them.
You can see it on almost any day in the office of nearly any marriage counselor. Sure, they know they are contending with struggles and are having problems, but they don’t see the real problem.
Every couple has deficits. But these struggling couples don’t know what theirs are. “We just don’t know how to communicate,” they might say.
In a sense, this may be true, but their real deficit is that they don’t know how to make time for meaningful communication or they may have kept their feelings boxed up, or any number of things. Communication breakdowns are only a symptom of their real problem.
And if they weren’t blind to this fact, they could do something about it.
Successful couples, on the other hand, learn from their mistakes by accurately assessing their shortcomings. They don’t ignore their challenges and they don’t deny their limits. They face challenges head on – looking for practical solutions to build the most God-honoring relationship possible.
And when they run into personal limitations, they get help.
Reflect and Respond
Where do you turn to get help in your marriage?
Go ahead, tell us in the comments.
Related Resource
Making Happy explores the science, the art, and the practice of happiness in marriage. Drawing from real-life examples, Drs. Les and Leslie offer insights into how your brain and relationship affect each other as you make happiness in your marriage a conscious, delightful habit.
My husband is wearing a genital ring to work now because “he likes to feel full & hard all the time” he told me I was created for his enjoyment, if I don’t put out he pouts & tells me “you don’t want to do anything” we have an open invitation to go fishing but he told the guy not this year. My husband has an abnormal preoccupation with sex
How unfortunate, Linda..your husband does not understand his God-given role as servant-leader.
Yeah I know but it’s really out of my hands sexual sin is destructive and God is the only one who can deliver him but he’s got to be willing to confess & repent I can’t make him do that. Praying the holy spirit convict him & soften his heart
What an excellent bit of insight. It is very important to remember that very rarely is the surface problem that we see the actual cause of what we are experiencing, either in business or in relationships. I would be very interested in reading the study you used for this, I think it would be very informative. Can you possibly share the source of it?
In the beginning of our marriage I didn’t turn to anyone when we had problems. Now we turn to God. And because we’re seeking God on a regular basis, problems don’t usually catch us off guard. We also talk to each other about things that bother us so we don’t harbor resentment. And we practice quick resolution so we can continue enjoying life with each other.
Your advise today was really on the mark! A couple at my church are separated because of the very reasons you mentioned above. Both have been married before and both are carrying baggage from those past relationships. Because they married too quickly and did not take the time to talk and really get to know one another, they are at a stand still at what to do next. They are still talking to one another, but they’re not sure where to go from here. Even though they have been married for about 3 yrs now, the separation just happened 3 weeks ago.
As a church, many of us have reached out to let them know that they are not alone, but there is still that awkward feeling about what people will say when they don’t see them together. As one of their close friends in the church, I encourage them both to pray and read their Bibles more. Run to God, not from Him. We all remind them that God still loves them and we embrace them as their family.
Prior to 2008 I fully admit how terrible I was at communicating with my husband about my frustrations. We had 4 children and all through their childhood my husband continued with his extracurricular activities ie: baseball (2 teams), volunteer fire dept., motorcycle, bicycle, etc. I convinced myself that all of this was ok, all the while sweeping resentment under the proverbial rug. I devoted almost my entire existence to our children and my husband was placed second in my life. This had a terrible consequence. In 2008 I discovered he was having an affair. I turned to God, for the first time as a completely broken person. He never let us down. Today we are a thriving couple and my husband is second in my life, only because God is first. He enjoyed reading your book ‘Making Happy’. We make a priority of spending time together and I have become interested in many of the things that he enjoys. Our family has been blessed beyond measure because of Gods grace.
I try to communicate with my husband about our problems but he never wants to talk about them. So to get help i turn to GOD i pray alot and i read devotional form Rejoice Marriage Ministry and you Dr.Les and Leslie. He slowy coming around when he does talk he won’t talk for long he changes the subject so i know not to push to much, so i try to say the most important problem first. Praise God he is good.
Hi Les & Leslie…….do you offer a course on Marriage mentoring or Marriage counseling?
If so, please send me your info. on this.
Thank You,
Pastor Jimmy
Jimmy@fwo.cc
Pastor Jimmy: We sure do. Check out http://www.MarriageMentoring.com. You’ll love it.
The secret to success in marriage is mutually shared firsthand knowledge of Jesus Christ by the spouses, e.g., Adam and Eve.
Although suppressed by a conspiracy of silence by the church, I humbly confirm that Jesus is as self-revealing in the FINALE of his diacritical death on the cross (Matt. 27: 50-56; Acts 2:24) as he was in the PRELUDE of the burning but unconsumed bush (Ex. 3: 1-15).