Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. Matthew 5:9
Amy Sutherland learned an important relationship lesson in a very unlikely place. And she wrote about it for the New York Times in an article called, “What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage.”
Sutherland begins by explaining that, after 12 years of marriage, she became dismayed that her husband Scott still exhibited several irritating habits. “These minor annoyances are not the stuff of separation and divorce,” she writes, “but in sum they began to dull my love for Scott. So, like many wives before me, I ignored a library of advice books and set about improving him. By nagging, of course, which only made his behavior worse.” She goes on to describe how her husband would drive faster instead of slower; shave less frequently, not more; and leave his smelly workout cloths on the bedroom floor longer than ever.
The breakthrough came for Amy while researching a book. She attended a school for exotic animal trainers in California where she saw them teach dolphins to flip and elephants to paint. And that’s when it clicked. She wasn’t seeing the nagging from her husband’s point of view. She wasn’t thinking how it would feel to be nagged.
So, she thought, if she were in her husband’s shoes she’d be far more motivated to improve her behaviors if she was rewarded for good rather than punished for bad. “After all,” she reasoned, “you don’t get a sea lion to balance a ball on the end of its nose by nagging.”
I always prefer to believe the best of everybody, it saves so much trouble. –Rudyard Kipling
Back in her home state of Maine, she began thanking Scott if he threw one dirty shirt into the hamper. “If he threw in two,” she says, “I’d kiss him. Meanwhile, I would step over any soiled clothes on the floor without one sharp word, though I did sometimes kick them under the bed. But as he basked in my appreciation, the piles became smaller.”
You get the point. When we focus on the positive, the negatives seem to take care of themselves.
Reflect and Respond
What can you do this week in practical terms to be sure your focus is more positive than negative – especially with your spouse?
Go ahead, tell us in the comments.
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I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something about this devotional is really irritating me. It isn’t that I disagree with the conclusion, because I do believe that a marriage will be healthier when one focuses on the positive instead of the negative. Perhaps it bothers me that a spouse would passively aggressively respond to requests by increasing a negative behavior. Perhaps it bothers me because the advice seems to infantilize the spouse. Rather than having an honest discussion about behaviors that are irksome as two loving, mature, reasonable adults should be able to do, I am advised to treat my spouse as I would an animal or a child, using behavioral conditioning to try and reform. Perhaps it bothers me because it seems that many times, when I hear stories like this, it is always the wife putting up with inconsiderate behavior, while the husband acts like a jerk. I disagree with Amy, when a spouse is unwilling to change bad habits to the point where it dulls one’s love, that IS the stuff of separation and divorce. To me it demonstrates that one person in the marriage is taking the other person for granted, ignoring simple changes that would contribute the overall happiness and peace of the household.
I am so happy to finally see a perfect person. But am very disappointed that marriage vows mean nothing to you. (For better or worst, richer or poorer till death do us part) this was a pledge made before you and God. Separation and divorce are not in Gods nor my vocabulary. Shame on you perfect person!
I tend to agree with Alana’s comments — although I also agree with the conclusion, and try NOT to nag my husband about his annoying habits. My thoughts always turn to this “If this man cares for me as much as he proclaims too, why would he not try to have consideration for my feelings and try to change the habits that upset me, rather than just continuing them just because he can.” It is a two-way street, I know… I also have anoying habits that I should be willing to change on his behalf… but I agree that an adult conversation is more beneficial. I am always saying to him “Rather than shutting down when the nagging occurs… tell me how you feel, and lets talk through this issues that bother both of us — not just ignore the other person’s feelings and keep on going as normal” These issues DO eventually lead to separation and divorce if the love you feel for your spouse continues to dull….
I think Amy Sutherland had tried the “honest discussion like two adults” with her husband as well as nagging which only led to increased fussing and fighting.
Then she found something over lots of time and effort that worked for her, Positive Reinforcement.
I myself am trying to learn reflective listening instead of getting into a harangue with people and it seems to be helping.
P.S. I imagine Dr. Gary Chapman might add, “Reward them in their Love Language to be most effective.
Dr. Kristen Neff, single mom of an autistic child, while working on her PhD found that Self Compassion (her book title} helped her to survive and thrive. This might help when your husband is getting on your nerves.
I would like to positively reinforce you Alana and Jodi for your comments, and to speak in your love language and to listen to you with unconditional positive regard, which is the closest thing to God’s agape love expressed in human form through Jesus. Easier said than done.
Dr. Willard Harley, Jr. counts annoying behavior as a “love buster” as Amy experienced. She could have saved her and her husband a lot of grief if she would have put him on notice in the beginning that his annoying behavior caused her to feel less love from him. A normal husband would then weigh whether it bothered him or not that he was doing things that said, “I don’t love you” to his wife. I am glad Amy and Husband were able to work it out. I wonder if there are other Love Busters lurking in the shadows.
I appreciate every day the forward you wrote for my book on marriage entitled “5:21”. It is still going strong and I continue to do seminars and speaking engagements! Thank you so much for your endorsement! The need for teaching on marriage continues and it seems it’s needed more than ever! Thanks again for your grace to me and your ministry to so many! Blessings…… Rick Larson
Scott may be the most affectionate loving husband one can imagine, this does not discount his need to take responsibility for unacceptable behavior. Amy is his wife and not his mom!
I agree with Paul’s comment about saving Amy’s husband a lot of grief if she would have put him on notice in the beginning that his annoying behavior causes her to feel less love from him.
Having been married for over 36 years, we must all recognize there’s areas we can improve upon. Get with it Scott and start making a difference that make a positive impact. Marriage is life long loving venture. God Bless!
In 1982 there was a study to improve bowling scores in which one group focused upon their mistakes and another focused upon what they did well. The “Strength Based” group improved twice as much as the “Deficit Based” group. Kenneth Blanchard followed up with, “Catch them doing something right!”
Then came “Horse Whispering” or “Gentling” of wild horses as opposed to Horse Whipping and a move away from “breaking”(the will of the Trainee}, the use of choke chains with dogs and “rubbing their noses in it”. i.e. pain and punishment.
Amy Sutherland’s message is not gender specific. She has improved her relationship with her Mom with the Shamu lessons.
This focus empowers YOU to change your behaviors, by having the empathy to put yourself in your spouse’s place…..P.S. Nagging may reinforce the behavior you don’t want. Plus it can provoke Resistance big time. Meanwhile Amy says “Pick your battles!” Some traits are so ingrained that they may not be possible to change. And other gurus say to give 5 positives to your spouse for each negative.spouse. It’s like a bank account.