For most of our marriage, we have been out of sync with each other in how we relate to God. Early on we realized we were on relatively divergent paths. Not that we didn’t share the same values or maintain our individual walks with God. It was more that we didn’t understand each other’s way of relating to God individually, which made it seem impossible to relate to God together as a couple. But, as we eventually learned, it all comes down to knowing and affirming each other’s spiritual style.
I (Leslie) am a contemplative, through and through. I like nothing more than to spend a few hours each day alone with God. Having little boys has put a crimp in my style, but this remains my primary pathway to God. I have had the same prayer book for years and the same well-worn Bible, too. They keep me company as I seek to love God with the purest and deepest love I can. I like to rise early to enjoy the quiet morning hours as I spent time with God. This isn’t out of duty; it isn’t a discipline I work at. It comes naturally. Nothing about this style, however, seemed natural to Les. He saw it as too time consuming and unproductive.
My spiritual pathway is more intellectual. I (Les) don’t know if it’s in my blood—I share this style with some family members—or if it’s from my academic training (including seminary), but I feel closest to God when I am studying a truth or insight new to me. If I can conceptualize some aspect of my spiritual life in a fresh way, if I can wrap my mind around a truth, I come alive in my relationship with God. The time I most often spend with God is while I’m reading a new book or in my study, lined with reference tools that help me in my spiritual pursuit. Not so for Leslie. She viewed my approach as too academic and emotionally removed.
So how do the two of us relate to God together? We each still walk the paths that bring us closer to God—but now we also value each other’s. In the past, we selfishly expected the other to conform to our individual leanings. After all, that felt like the best way to relate to God. And it is for us individually—but not as a couple. This simple revelation was a breakthrough for our marriage.
Related Resources
Meditations on Proverbs for Couples
Meditations on Proverbs for Couples draws from the ancient wisdom of Proverbs to provide modern couples with 31 down-to-earth and thoroughly modern meditations on communication, money, sex, commitment, forgiveness, conflict, and more.
The wise sayings of Proverbs must be talked about, say the Parrott’s: “Read them aloud together. Commit a few to memory. And fill your marriage with wise and good conversations.” This book is a great way to join hearts and minds.
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This is great, just subscribed and look forward to getting this each week! Thanks, Les & Leslie!
LOVE this! Thanks for doing this. See ya next week in my ‘inbox’….
Thanks, Kay! Look forward to it!
Thank you. I am looking forward to going down this path with my wife, hand in hand.
Right on, Lee! Thanks for jumping on-board!
Hi Les and Leslie,
Thank you for this. I’ve enjoyed your work for sometime and learned a good deal. Now after being away from Seattle for many years and divorced I am searching for my right one. As a single mom I want to find someone I feel comfortable with to help me raise my kids and be a true blue.
I am glad to see this in my email, it will be neat to read each week.
Kindly,
Elizabeth Read
Thank you so much for this blessing!! Am always encouraged and ministered to through your materials. Looking forward to sharing this with my husband.
Thanks for this insight about spiritual styles. What advice can you give for when one spouse doesn’t respect the other’s style as being a viable style?
My husband is intellectual, meaning he wants our prayers that are prayed together to be planned out with a list of what we are and are not going to pray about, so he doesn’t get surprised mid-prayer by something I pray that he doesn’t agree with. We have slightly differing theology one a few topics. He wants all discussions about ministry to be conducted in the context of frameworks that philosophers use, but I don’t like our conversation being boxed into parameters that benefit his stance. He thinks it is not possible to have a discussion without frameworks and feel hurt that I don’t want to use them. He also loves rocking out to worship music.
My college roommates and relatives told me that they really appreciated my freeform prayers where I just keep going on and on, listing every little thing I can think of to pray for, so everything possible about their situation has been covered. Sometimes I pause and wait to see if something additional comes to mind. My husband doesn’t think this is Spirit-led since I don’t listen for God’s voice to direct me on what to pray next. For the same reason, he doesn’t want me to offer to pray for strangers to be healed when I see disabled people so, although I want to see miracles, I don’t want to go against him so I don’t approach people and only shoot up a silent, “God, heal that person!” prayer.
I have had seasons when I prayer-journalled, but I don’t trust my ability to discern when something is God’s voice, my own thoughts, or a demonic voice, so I try not to listen for any direction but rather just make requests to God. It’s not good, I know, but the alternative of listening to and obeying the wrong voice is too dangerous (I know from traumatic past experience). I enjoy art worship but my husband thinks its not biblical so we shouldn’t do it very much at all – once in a great while is okay if I study the Bible passage being used in the art project a lot before starting the art. I like worship songs if they’re playing, but I never feel a desire to listen to music.
What can you advise for us?
Each of you is obviously very devout in your faith walk and you are both doing everything you can to ensure that you follow God’s leading. Also, you’re obviously doing what you can to respect your husband’s leanings. But here’s the rub: Often times our personalities shape how we relate to God. That’s why what you do to feel closest to God is different from your husband. It’s true for all of us. But in your case you both have some very distinct characteristics of your spiritual journeys. So what can you do? We have a couple of suggestions. If you both come from homes where faith was important, talk about how your homes shaped how you relate to God. Why? Because the is will increase your self-awareness as well as build better empathy and understanding between the two of you on these matters. Second, consider taking a little personality assessment (e.g. We use the Love Talk Indicator) to gain insight into each other and how your personality differences are causing some differences of opinion on how best to relate to God. Why? Because there is not one specific way that everyone has to implement. There are multiple pathways to God. Some of us feel closest to God when we are worshiping with music. Others when we have a great cause. Some of us are contemplative. Some intellectual. You get the idea. So if you can explore your personality differences together and respect how they shape your distinctive spiritual styles, you can have greater respect and also learn to carve out a new pathway together.
W are so thankful for all that you are doing to support and strengthen marriages. Thanks for creating this devotional to help couples draw closer to each other and to God. What a blessing!
Thanks, Dave & Marygay! So happy you’re enjoying it already. We couldn’t be more happy with the response we’ve received from our readers. Stay tuned for more!
Anxiously awaiting the next one!! 🙂
We’re putting the finishing touches on the next one! So glad you’re enjoying it, Beth!
This is so wonderful to have a couples devotional! This one highlighted a key point that many Christian marriages, may never have even thought of or really discussed together! Thank you so much!
Thanks, Alicia! Hope you enjoy the upcoming devotionals just as much!
I’ve always followed your books ever since I realized I had a passion for marriage and relationships. I’m Nigerian and I would love to meet you both personally. I have tons of questions to ask.i celebrate your works and wish I had more access to your materials and books.