Four Steps to Curb Criticism in Your Marriage

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly.
Proverbs 15:1-2

We have our share of critics. Like all authors, you learn to take the good with the bad.

But several weeks before the release of our latest book, Making Happy, we did an interview with a London newspaper, The Daily Mail, which generated some critical comments (among many positive ones) that got us laughing:

“What a load of tripe. Total rubbish”

“I think the Parrotts should use this book to line their cage with.”

“Wot tosh.”

“The Parrott’s look a right pair of plonkers.”

We don’t know what a pair of plonkers look like but we are still laughing. The British have a way of criticizing while sounding pleasant or humorous in the process.

But let’s be honest, not all criticism makes us laugh – especially when it comes from our spouse. And few things in marriage are tougher than putting a clamp on our own critical comments.

This tendency, when your deeper needs are not getting met, is so ingrained in some of us that it requires serious discipline. And truthfully, it is likely to mellow the longer you are married. But it’s worth the effort at any point to power down your critical comments toward your spouse.

When we judge or criticize another person, it says nothing about that person;
it merely says something about our own need to be critical.

–Anonymous

Much of the time you may not even be aware of how often you utter critical comments. You may say things like: “You put these forks in here the wrong way. . . would you quit touching my pen. . . don’t you know how to put a shirt on a hanger. . . what did you do to make this so messy. . . you’re not in the left lane. . . I can’t believe you said that to him. . . you bought the wrong kind of dressing. . . would you back off and give me some breathing room.”

If you find yourself being more critical than you’d like, try these steps.

• Apologize to your spouse. Say something like, “I know that I can be more critical than some people and I want you to know that I realize this isn’t always easy to live with. I’m really sorry.”
• Ask your spouse when they feel like you are most critical. You might be able to locate specific times (just before dinner when you are hungry, for example) or particular circumstances (when your monthly report at work is due).
• Ask your spouse for suggestions on ways you could curb it. Don’t make it their responsibility, but invite input. You may discover that what you thought was critical isn’t so critical to your spouse and that what you haven’t given much thought to really is. He or she can guide you a bit on how to light it up.
• Invite your spouse to hold you accountable in one particular area where the critical comments hurt them the most. Don’t try to instantly diminish all criticism. It’s too tough. Start by focusing on the area your spouse suggests.