When life gets really difficult, don’t jump to the conclusion that God isn’t on the job.
Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced.
I Peter 4:12-13
Kim Kardashian is preparing for a wedding with boyfriend Kanye West. Her marriage last year lasted just 72 days, as everyone knows. Her sister, Khloe (married in 2009), filed for divorce from her husband recently. And their parents, Bruce and Kris Jenner, married for 22 years, are currently separated.
“I have thought about this for a long time,” says matriarch Kris, “and I think we both just need to be happy, I really do. Isn’t that the bottom line?”
Well, no. That’s not the bottom line.
Sure, when we got married in 1984 we wanted to be happy, too. Duh. Everybody wants that. But marriage is far more than a happy pill.
“My decision to end my marriage was such a risk.
But I had to take that risk to be happy.”
–Kim Kardashian
Like most every other couple, we swallowed the pill whole when we married. But we eventually learned that it’s a big fat myth to think that when we say “I do” we’ll have a lock on happiness. Granted, we will, for a time. No doubt about it. Marriage makes us happy.
The problem is that marriage will not make us as intensely happy or for as long as we believe it will. Studies reveal that the happiness boost from marriage lasts an average of only two years.
Unfortunately, when those two years are up and fulfilling our goal to find the ideal partner hasn’t made us as happy as we expected, we often feel there must be something wrong. Not so. It’s the common course of love. And if left unattended, if we’re not deliberately making happy together, our relationship suffers.
Happiness, for a marriage, is like a vital sign. It’s the heart rate of love. Like all vital signs, it can fluctuate. But like all vital signs, it has a set point, a level to which it strives to return.
We all know couples that call it quits, saying: “We’re just not happy anymore.” Really?
Is being married supposed to make you happy? No. That’s not how it works.
We’ll say it again: Marriage doesn’t make you happy – you make your marriage happy. As the saying goes, you bring your own weather to the picnic.
A happy marriage does not depend on the right circumstances or the perfect person. A happy marriage is the result of two people committed to making a happy life of love together.
Reflect and Respond
Have you ever treated your marriage as a Happy Pill (why or why not)?
And any advice for those that do?
Go ahead, tell us in the comments.
PRE-ORDER NOW AND GET FREE BONUSES!
Making Happy explores the science, the art, and the practice of happiness in marriage. Drawing from real-life examples, this book offers insights into how your brain and relationship affect each other as you make happiness in your marriage a conscious, delightful habit.
It is not accidental that indivisible unity of marriage is suffering during all the time after Adam and Eve, who were made in the image of God, viz.: “life-giving breath” in juxtaposition with the “tree of life”. (Gen. 2: 7-25)
Although forgotten in Christian tradition, the MEANS has been universalized by Christ’s death on “the cross”, as “the first-born” from a Spirit-active, perfect and diacritical death, with a point of change for mankind. (Matt. 27: 50-56; John 19: 30-37)
It is never too late to recover the key.
Ephrem: Right on! When the Bible’s wisdom influxes a couple’s relationship the whole paradigm of what marriage is about shifts. Sure appreciate your input.
Love is not a feeling, it’s a decision. Like anything else in life that we are successful at, we must work on it. After 22 years of marriage my husband told me to leave the house. Why? Because he is not happy.
When a marriage is focused on loving the other and not on “what’s in it for me”, the whole dynamic changes.
I truly believe any marriage that doesn’t keep God at the center will always have its share of struggles.
Lisa: We are so glad you are commenting on this. Sounds like you know all too well the heartache of what happens when a spouse believes marriage is supposed to be a “happy pill.” You sound like a very wise woman who has been through the fire. Thanks so much of your contribution today. We really appreciate it.
My pleasure!! Quite honestly this post really resonated with me. I have read many christian books on how to have a successful marriage over the last 10 years. What I have come to understand that the only way to have a truly successful marriage is when it operates the way God intended it to from the very beginning. The Bible is a success manual for all areas of our lives and marriage is no exception 😉
My wife and I got married not on love alone. We knew that marriage was a covenant and that we agreed that if we got married it was to serve the Lord as a team. We both have seen the destruction of marriages because the Lord was not first in both partners lives. Equally yoked. Yes, we had our hardships, times of adjustment, forgiving one another, but we always sought good counsel and prayed to the Lord and listened to the Lord, that is how you grow and mature as a couple – in Christ. In-Christ marriage is based on giving to one another not taking from one another. My wife and I have been married for over 25 years and are still going strong. Thank you Lord for my beloved Katherine, because through her, You have made me a better man.
“Let your light shine before men (your spouse) in such a way that they may see your good works (fruit), and glorify your Father who is in heaven.” Matthew 5:16
“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” Proverbs 18:22
That is awesome Brent… Your marriage is a perfect example of how God intended marriage to be and hence the reason it is successful 🙂 I applaud you and your wife!! May your God-centered marriage be an example to many.
Lisa: you took the words right our of out mouth in reply to Brent. Nicely said.
Happiness in a marriage comes from the fact that you made a commitment to your spouse and to God. Happiness comes from the fact that you are loving your spouse unconditionally and you know that it pleases God that you are doing so. Nurture your marriage in every area possible relying on God for wisdom and happiness in the marriage. The big question is what are you doing to make the marriage better not saying things that sound good coming out of the mouth by doing things in Action! Action speaks louder than words!
Irvin: Yes!! What a great message. It’s an often repeated word of wisdom, but so true. And so often missing in marriage. We need to show our love as much as we talk about it – for sure. Thanks.
I’ve never known of a marriage consisting of two people who identify themselves and their happiness as two individual children of God to end in divorce. I’ve often heard of marriages ending in divorce when one spouse expects the other to fulfill the role of God for them.
Knowing what the Bible says is only a small part; it’s all application that makes this marriage thing work.
I smile when people say they want a Biblical marriage. Most every marriages in the Bible is wacky and bit messed up. Be careful what you want. I bet Noah and his wife had a pretty decent marriage….but that’s only because the Bible doesn’t tell us anything about it. But, when two people are committed to radical obedience to God….look out, you’re going to build something that can withstand the mother of all storms.
Well said Eric 🙂 Couldn’t agree with you more!!
Eric: As always, you’re words are spot on. Love your thoughtful insights! You are so right. (BTW, are you going to see the Noah movie?).
Thank you for the kind words.
Regarding the movie, I hadn’t thought about yet. You?
I think we may go this weekend. Not looking at it as a Bible lesson but I’m sure it will spur some good discussion.
I don’t think that including Khloe in this post is appropriate considering that her husband is allegedly abusing drugs and confessed to cheating on her repeatedly all while she was trying to work on her marriage.
By including her you are using the Lords name to keep women in marriages that are emotionally and mentally abusive. Also I’m disappointed that instead of your normal posts of ways to better ourselves and our marriages you’ve decided to ignore the planks in our eyes to point out the planks in the Kardashian’s eyes.
You can do better.
Crystal: We REALLY appreciate your feedback. And we couldn’t agree more with you on the fact that Khloe seems to have done everything she can to fight for her marriage when it was beyond repair because of choices (and pathology) by her husband. We get that – completely. We’re not picking on Khloe. In the small amount of space we have for these pieces we were simply pointing to the common fact that so many view marriages as a mere means to happiness. Khloe may not have been looking at her marriage that selfish perspective – but her husband certainly was. So we can hope you can see the bigger point. This was not a message about putting up with unspeakable mental and emotional abuse. We’d never come at it that way. Again, than you SO much for giving your perspective. We’d love to hear more from you.
I don’t know much about the Kardashians, but if what Crystal G said is correct I tend to agree with that. On very rare occasions someone is in a limited set of circumstances where staying is sinful and leaving is also sinful. It is possible in very special, extreme circumstances for a marriage to be a sin (Ezra 9-10). Thanks be to God for the grace of Christ that can get us onto the right path where we can be forgiven and “go and sin no more”.
Having said that I believe 99.9% of marriages are salvageable with submission to God and personal commitment. I also think this book sounds amazing, and I intend to buy it.
AJ: We’re with you. See our response to her.
Ray and I have been married for 53yrs. The biggest hurdle to overcome is communication and what we did was always in our bedroom place a chair for those times to talk and share. Our 3grown children and 7grandchildren have continued this tradition and now 2 of the girls who are married are as well. This has been a blessing for us and I hope it will be for those who try it. Blessings Ray and Sandy in Canada.
This is awesome Sandy… I have always said that effective communication is the foundation for any successful marriage…without that, the rest just won’t work the way it should 🙂
Sandy: What a fantastic tradition – and what a blessing to know that you have passed it along to your children. Sure this is one of the most important kinds of modeling the two of you can ever do. And because you shared it with us here, you’re inspiring other coupes to do the same. Thanks so much!
Oh there are weeks that we don’t like each other. There are days I kinda look at him and think, “Yeah, why did we do this?” The good news is that we both recognize the problem and we try to find some way to return to happy. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. But if it doesn’t, we go back to the drawing board to find another way to bring back the happy. We don’t just give up. By the way, your pre-marital counseling book saved us before we started.
Nicole: love that phrase you use: “bring back the happy.” That’s exactly right (which is why we wrote this new book, Making Happy). And we love even more your approach to your marriage. As we sometimes say in our own marriage, we gotta surf the happiness waves when they’re high in our marriage – but not expect the surf to be up every day. Thanks for your works on the SYMBIS book. You’re very kind, Nicole. We’re going to be updating that book soon so feel free to shoot any suggestions our way if you have them. 🙂
Will do… and thank you.
My wife and I work with couples and find 3 consistent areas that come to the forefront time and again.
1) our own emotional health (ie. willing to take responsibility for our own stuff and working on areas that are triggering under or over emotional responses)
2) the ability to allow our spouse to INFLUENCE US FOR THE GOOD (takes humility & gratitude)
3) learning to have FUN together
These are all areas that we have first hand experience working on together as a 33 year married couple.
Melis
P.S. Thank you so much for the excellent materials you continually publish. We have used many of your materials working with individuals and in group settings. Thanks again!
Melis: you two sound very wise. We love how you’ve put the cookies not he bottom shelf. We completely resonate with your three points. Couldn’t agree more. Are you two marriage mentors to other couples? If not, you should be! 🙂 Thanks for your kind words about our work. That means a lot to us.
I love this post—thanks for using a real-life example of what marriage should NOT look like. I often worry that our teens have a false view of marriage and unrealistic expectations about happiness because of what they see in the media. Hopefully they are seeing something different being lived out in our home. Thanks for the great reminder that joy in marriage is achieved through commitment and communication, and that “feeling happy” on a day-to-day basis is really not the point. Blessings to you.
Jennifer: We really appreciate your input on this Devotion. You speak our language.
My husband and I recently celebrated our 50th anniversary by taking our extended family of seventeen to Disney World for Christmas and New years. Were we happy then? Yes, but happiness is fleeting. Love in marriage is a decision. I would have to say that if we had relied on each other to make us happy we would have crashed and burned years ago.
Not only can we not make our partners happy, but marriage is (hopefully) designed to make us grow and growing is painful. We both believe that we don’t even remotely resemble the two clueless kids that we were when we first started out. Today we are practicing role-models for our four grown children and their spouses. I say practicing because we’re still working on getting it right, it’s a job that never ends, and we’re O.K. with that.
One great trick I’ve learned, is at those times when he can breath right to suite me, I just ask God to increase my love for him and within 24 hours, I’m the goofy young teenager I was when we first started out! It works every time !
Mary: Ha! We love hearing this. You’ve found the “secret” that far too many couples never do.
Thank you, but I have to say it has all been by trial and error. If it weren’t for the fact that we meant it when we committed to each other, something I’m afraid is lacking in relationships today. One can’t go wrong with the “5 C” of marriage: Commitment, Consideration, Communication, Comedy and Christ, not necessarily in that order.
For sure. Every couple that goes the distance knows what it’s like to lean into that commitment when the passion and intimacy may seem illusive. Thanks again, Mary.
We learned early in our marriage that neither one of us is responsible for making the other person happy. However, we are responsible for obeying the command from Ephesians 5:33 (wives respect husbands, and husbands love your wives). Happiness is a state that depends on happenings; however, with Christ you can have joy (which does not depend on your situation, but just the opposite – it relies on a God who can give you contentment no matter what is going on around you)! My husband and I work hard in our marriage to be kind and considerate and we communicate daily (all throughout the day) to make sure we are fulfilling the command of Ephesians 5:33.
Do we always have good days? Of course not! But we understand that we are not always going to be happy, but we know marriage is work and just like everything else in life – there won’t always be sunshine, and this too shall pass.
Zina: That phrase, “this too shall pass,” has help us reset our attitudes in marriage countless times. Because it’s true. Thanks so much for sharing.
Thanks for your message. I find it very thought provoking and relevant. I’ll probably buy the book. But my situation is a bit different. I’m the only one in my marriage who reads these things and it’s getting frustrating. I’m tired of praying and working for my marriage when the other isn’t. Almost 7 yrs and the last 4 has been like this. I often tell others that I won’t blame them if they divorce. I’m thinking abt it and looked into it. I’m only 30. I need to smile more in life and do things fun instead of being held back by a husband who doesn’t know how to bring happiness to a relationship. Ok I’m going off on a tangent. Sorry. I just love your books but hate reading them alone. As Christians, marriage should mean more. I see non christian marriages more happier or fulfilling than ours. This is frustrating. Thx for the little glimmer of hope that marriages can be fulfilling.
Belle: I’m so glad you took the time to send this note. First, it’s not uncommon for guys to not be the biggest fan of reading marriage books. But it sounds like it’s more than that for you. That’s why I wan tot urge you got get some wise counsel if you can – and if he won’t go, consider going on your own. We have seen LOTS of couples get turned around when just one of them was doing all the “heavy lifting” before the other joined in. There is a relationship dynamic that occurs when one person grows and changes while the other exerts no effort. Eventually, they have to do some changing because the relationship dynamic demands it. Anyway, we hope you can see the wise and personal counsel of a minister, a counselor or a marriage mentor. And be confident that we are saying a prayer for you tonight.
I like the comment you bring your own weather to the picnic. My wife and I have learned these lessons like all other long married couples, by walking through the pain of not adhering to them. Married 32 years now we know how much work is involved to keep a marriage going. We learned that we as individual people are not responsible for making each other happy in this relationship. It is not possible to do anyway. When I awake in the morning I decide if I am going to be happy or not. It’s my decision, not my wife or kids. Me, period. It is not fair to place that on her or anyone else. Learning that secret has made a big difference in our lives and our marriage.
Agree 100% with you, Michael! Your relationship can only be as happy and healthy as you are. Keep up the great work in your marriage – you’re obviously doing it right to make it 32 years!
Les and Leslie, Great line: Marriage doesn’t make you happy – you make your marriage happy. It was a hard lesson for me to learn in my marriage. Well, actually, I continue to learn it.
No; that would be similar to acting as if my spouse was created as my personal servant. He is to jump through hoops and do tricks for my amusement at his expense. We are in continual prayer that we maintain a Christ-centered relationship because that will encourage us to communicate openly and behave selflessly toward one another. It has worked for 10 years and counting:-)
It’s really a great and helpful piece of info. I’m happy
that you just shared this useful infgo with us.
Please sray uss up to date like this. Thanks
for sharing.
I do not even know the way I stopped up
right here, however I assumed this submit was once good.
I don’t recognise who you’re but certainly you’re going to a well-known blogger in the event you are
not already. Cheers!