Don’t just think about your own affairs,
but be interested in others, too,
and in what they are doing.
Philippians 2:4
Ever noticed how we sometimes can’t recall the birthday of a loved one, but we can’t quite forget every word of the Brady Bunch theme song. Why is that?
Well, research reveals that adding music helps our recall (consider how we teach little ones their A-B-Cs through a song).
Unfortunately, most of us can’t get our spouse to sing a conversation to us – or would we want that. Weird, for sure.
We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.
Epictetus
So what can we do to heighten our conversational engagement and truly tune into each other? In a word, listen. And foundational to this task is increasing our awareness of what keeps us from listening.
Here’s a list:
- Defensiveness – Viewing complaints and criticism as a personal attack. Once you become defensive, once you begin to guard yourself, you are no longer listening.
- Closed-mindedness – Unwilling to consider the opinions and ideas of others. If you’ve already made up your mind and closed the case, you’ll never open your ears.
- Projection – Attributing your own thoughts and feelings to the other person. Once you lose objectivity and believe “he’s the one whose angry,” when you’re the one who is actually hot under the collar, you’ll never hear what’s being said.
- Assumption – Drawing conclusions about the meaning or intention of what is said. Whenever you jump to conclusions, you convey a message that you aren’t even interested in listening.
- Pride – Thinking we have little to learn from others. This is, perhaps, the most deadly of distractions to listening. You’ll never unplug your ears if your head is full of yourself.
- Distractions – Cell phones, TV, iPads, magazines, and all the rest. Duh! But it bears reminding you. If you want to truly listen to each other, you’ve got to remove these distractions.
The fundamental cause of almost all communication problems is that people do not listen to understand – they listen to reply.
But get this: The moment your spouse feels understood, they become more motivated to understand your point of view.
Reflect and Respond
Which of the six hazards to listening are you most prone to and why?
Go ahead, tell us in the comments.
Related Resource
The first steps to improving this single most important factor in any marriage or love relationship are to identify your fear factors and determine your personal communication styles, and then learn how the two of you can best interact. In this no-nonsense book, “psychobabble” is translated into easy-to-understand language that clearly teaches you what you need to do – and not do – for speaking each other’s language like you never have before.
I really like the point of “listening to understand vs. listening to respond”. Recently, I was having a conversation with someone who had been thinking about something for a long time and wanted to ‘unburden themselves’ to me about me. It was a pretty sore subject for me. Well the conversation didn’t go well, needless to say. But after it was over, I had the question to myself, Why do I feel it necessary to respond, or respond immediately. If they have been thinking about something for quite sometime, my first step should be to cork it, just keep my mouth closed and let them talk. The only response I feel necessary is to thank them for sharing with me. It really takes me off the hook, at least for now. I can take in what they said and listen to it, play it back in my head, and eventually, if it actually requires a response in words, then we can talk.
So, hearing your point of Listening to Understand makes a great deal of sense.
Hopefully, I ‘hear’ what you are saying. Baby steps.
Alan: Love that. Couldn’t agree more. Thanks for sharing this hard-earned advice.
True conversation is a lost art. We have so many things wrestling for our attention. At our home when we sit down for dinner there are no cell phones, no t.v., no iPad just us and the meal. We talk and laugh and find out what the others have done that day. A time to down load! When our kids went away to college my wife and I stopped eating at the table and started eating in front of the T.V.. Our kids came home and said no this isn’t right we have to eat at the table, just us and the meal. Praise God they did not lose sight of what we were trying to do, but we did. Now we eat at the table, my wife and I, even if it is just us. No distractions- True communication/True conversation
Mike: Amazing what our kids can teach us! Thanks for sharing this.
I guess my most common reason for lack of listening comes under #4 :assumptions – there are certain conversations, or types of conversations -negative remarks about others – by a couple of my loved ones., that seem to be often repeated. Instead of carefully listening to the complaints, I assume where the conversation is going ( and the lack of any change in outlook or behavior) afterward.
I (Leslie) can fall for this one, too. Thanks for sharing, Markin.
Defensiveness is my biggest problem. My husband said I didn’t even know what being offended was until I met you. We can’t even communicate without him being mad at me, then I get hurt and clam up. He says he loves me throughout the day, and then gets mad do easily. His words of love don’t impress me. Help
Kathy: So glad you’re asking for help. We highly recommend that you get into “Love Talk” – the book and workbooks, but especially the online assessment that will help both of you “crack the code” of your differing talk styles. It’s sure to help you better understand each other. Here’s a link: http://store.lesandleslie.com/products/love-talk-deluxe-bundle
Wishing you the very best.
I’m a musician … once upon a time that’s how I earned my living. I’ve written a lot of songs (usually for church/worship settings). Interestingly enough, it was 20 *years* of marriage before I could find the words to write a love song to my wonderful, loving, beautiful, devoted wife.
I’m not sure why I mention it … maybe these: 1] singing to your partner *IS* a good thing, or at least can be 2] wives, don’t give up …. he may yet learn to speak something in a more loving way.
Kathy … I’ll pray for you.
Egbert: What a gift to be able to sing to your wife! Blessing to you.
Oh my! All of them! All 6!!! I sure have some work to do.
Ha! We know what you mean. Thanks for your honesty.
Thank you! I’ve been trying to make that point for years.
I tend to gravitate toward projection and assumption. This is usually what starts the argument, oh excuse me, I mean the conversation. Lol. I can put meaning on what my boyfriend has said and get upset when it wasn’t what he meant at all. Seeking to understand by listening and then seeking to be understood is a concept I am asking The Lord to sink deep into my mind.
I think the one that hits me the worst is defensiveness, yet I don’t know if I understand the part about “Once you become defensive, once you begin to guard yourself, you are no longer listening.” because I think there are times when a person can’t help but become defensive. Sometimes in arguments I am accused of being defensive when I do defend myself but it is because I am told that my sons, who have turned their back on God, are all my fault. I know this isn’t true and I argue. I don’t think it’s fair or right but all I want to do is defend myself or walk out of the room. Arguments are commonplace in our home and often one person is blamed for all the problems. To me it’s either defend yourself or walk out of the room because I just don’t think it’s right. Anyway, that’s my heart.